A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #140 ac-chent-thu-ate the positive
E-lim-i-nate the negative
Welcome to A Most Unreliable Narrator, the slice of life newsletter of GenXer around town, Lisa Rabey. I talk about anything and everything with a bit of swears. I’m glad you’re here.
(Another long one. I’m just going to stop telling my invisible BFFs when my missives are long. Just assume going forward I chat a lot.)
Dear Internet,
Thursday night J and I went to a local bar called Hell or High Water which is a speakeasy downtown. The place is bougie as fuck as it required reservations. Since Thursday night was jazz night, I took the first available table which was 9:15 p.m.
While I had a bit of Coke (not coke) at dinner, I was hoping to be perked up, but I was an idiot and took my nighttime drugs at dinner including Latuda which makes me sleepy. We were at the club for a half an hour before I started wanting to lay down and sleep.
The club was fine. The jazz music started 15 minutes after we got there and ended at 10 p.m. There was no time frame of when the band would play on the website, so we weren’t that thrilled with the length of time (only 30 minutes). When I got the survey for our night, I mentioned lack of time of the band on the website. I also mentioned I felt like they need to have the ability to buy snacks like nuts or popcorn. Not leave out bowls for people to dig their dirty fingers through, just the ability to pay for it. We had that ability at the jazz club in Nashville and we really liked it. (Granted, we were able to buy French fries as a snack, but popcorn was available for purchase.)
After I paid for our bill, they gave us matchbooks as our gifts. Weird but I kept them anyway and threw them in the junk drawer when we got home.
I’m proud of myself, of us, for going out now. This marks the third even we’ve been to in the last two weeks. I’m working on trying to get us to go out more often. We used to go to the movies a lot but now that is on a temporary hold. We have a good theater that plays indie and popular films so that’s not the issue. The issue is that I get popcorn always when we go and we get dinner afterwards at a chicken tendie place located in the same strip mall. You’d think that with a smaller stomach I would order a small popcorn and have a tendie from J’s meal but I’m still struggling with head hunger, this is on hold until I can get better control. (Thankfully the movie offerings at the theater have been on the meh side.)
Therapy with Miles
I have therapy with Miles every Friday. I was every other week, but we went to weekly to deal with my fat girl surgery. (Miles had the surgery himself via the same hospital some time ago so having him as my therapist has been a-maz-ing.)
This week we talked about my stress about how I’m approaching the results and work that need to be put into it. Even though I’m down almost 30 lbs in the last two months (and nearly 45 since last summer), I feel like a failure. I’m totally self-sabotaging myself and it’s a struggle to know why. I have ideas but I don’t know if I’m on the right path which is why I go to Best Kitty (formerly Best Kate) and Miles for these type of chats.
Miles pointed out that now that I couldn’t eat my feelings, which I have a massive habit of doing, I’m now looking for ways to not dealing with my feelings since I can’t eat them. It’s such a struggle invisible BFFs. Shit in my head is coming up that I hadn’t thought about in years;that’s how well I kept everything locked up. I’m all over the place each session and it’s frustrating as fuck because I don’t want to deal with it but I know I must.
Writing here, and at my old diary, is helpful to some extent, and I have Best Kitty, but feelings are messy and sometimes you just need to be alone to deal with them. I’ve taken to writing privately again (I’m using the Day One app which I adore) and that is also a hot mess. But like I said, feelings are messy and complicated.
Miles made a few suggestions. One, attempt to eat “clean.” By this he means take two days a week to eat lean meats, veggies, and that sort of thing. Not, or severely limit, processed foods, fat, sugar, and all the good stuff.
I can do that.
The second thing he recommended was to start doing self-compassion meditation. He really likes Dr. Kristin Neff who uses science to talk about such things. Neff is on the Insight Timer app, which is free, so I can give it a whirl. I have an account with Headspace which I’ve used in the past and really love.
Self-sabotaging also means I have the tools and do not use them. The reluctance wavers from conscious to sub-conscious and the more I talk with Miles about my issues, the more reluctant I get.
I promised Miles I would give those two things a whirl. Eat clean for two days and try to mediate every day. (I’ll try for three days. No point in going crazy.)
I did do a positive thing this week: I attended an hour and 15 minute virtual yoga class on Thursday night. I had signed up for the virtual basics class on Wednesday but skipped it because I was not in the headspace to do it. The instructor reached out to me Wednesday night to make sure I was okay and moved my session to Thursday.
She styles Thursday night classes as “all levels” which I claim as bullshit. They were doing inversions, handstands, and standing on one leg with their arms wrapped around their waist. I’m doing cat cow or stretching using the wall as my guide. I did okay though, I think, overall. I got some sweat on me.
I’m signing up for her basics class on Wednesday nights. It starts in a few weeks and runs for eight weeks. I’m doing the virtual version because I am lazy.
I’d also like to start walking a few days a week. Get some exercise in.
(I would like to point out a non-scale victory is when we were walking around Nashville, there were hills and I didn’t huff or puff. It’s the little things.)
Fat Girl Surgery
Wednesday I went to my two months check-up for my fat girl surgery. The visit did not give me any confidence in the care that I’m getting. The surgeon didn’t look at my incisions (they were looked at my two-week appointment back in early January and I have hardly any scarring), ask how I was feeling, or order bloodwork to make sure all my levels were good. I asked him why my stool was like rabbit pellets, and he said that was quite normal and I needed to bulk up on fiber. I spoke with the dietician, and I need to increase fiber intake to 25g a day. Right now, I’m at about 5-8mg. I’ve bought fiber pills and plan on eating more fiber. Fuck the powders.
(ALSO! Surgeon thinks I’ve lost 40lbs since the surgery on 12/27/2022. The last weight they have me is from the summer when I was at 332, not before surgery. I lost 12-15lbs via Weight Watchers and the rest from surgery, so yes, I’ve lost 40lbs from the summer weight but not soley via the surgery. He wanted to take my photo for their success wall, and I demurred. When I hit my goal weight, we’ll see.)
Best Kitty, and occasionally Cross-Fit Dave, have been my sources for information and support. Best Kitty worked as an EMT for a bit back in the ye olden days, so she’s got a pretty good base knowledge of health care then most normal people. She’s come across a few of the same problems I’ve had since her surgery so having someone whose been through it has been nice.
See above about my therapy with Miles.
Note: In unironic irony, I just checked out “You just need to lose weight” and 19 other myths about fat people, by Aubrey Gordon, from the library. There was a ten week wait for the book. Gordon is the co-host, along with Michael Hobbes, of the Maintenance Phase podcast which sets out to debunk and decode wellness and weight loss. She’s also the voice behind Your Fat Friend. Gordon has a pretty loud, and mostly supportive, voice for the fat people are people too movement. (She demurs on weight loss surgery as that’s a personal choice.) I love the podcast and feel like I come away from it with new knowledge, and agreement, about the wellness and weight loss industries and how they are shite. But I cannot summon up, no matter how much I agree with Gordon and Hobbes, on the self-esteem that is often needed, no, required.
Lisa writes stories
Issue #2 has been published. Pantsing vs plotting; Aubrey Jones Gets a Life; and nom de plumes.
What I’m Reading
This year I’ve committed to read 75 books via the Good Reads Reading Challenge.
Glenarvon Byron’s ex-lover was so distraught about their breakup; she wrote a roman à clef about their relationship
Pride and Prejudice Read this a zillion times but doing a read-a-long for Austen Mondays
If Walls Could Talk Lucy Worsley walks you through the history of the home
Cartographers Nell Young’s father is found dead and she must investigate why
Would I Lie to the Duke (Union of the Rakes #2) “When an ambitious entrepreneur pretends to be a lady of means, she catches the eye—and heart—of a duke”
Waiting for a Scot Like You (Union of the Rakes #3) When Major Duncan McCameron meets sassy Lady Farris, passion and misunderstanding ensues
You May Kiss the Bride (The Penhallow Dynasty #1) When Gabriel Penhallow meets Livia Stuart, passion and misunderstand ensues
The Davenports (The Davenports #1) “The Davenports delivers a totally escapist, swoon-worthy romance while offering a glimpse into a period of African American history often overlooked.”
The Idea of You Thirty nine year-old Solene Marchard falls for 20 year-old Hayes Campbell. Chaos ensues.
The Thursday Murder Club (Thursday Murder Club #1) Retirees solve cold cases and current murders
On Writing Stephen Kings legendary book on writing
One to Watch Bea Schumacher is a popular fat influencer who ends up on a dating show ala The Bachlorette. Comedy and true love ensues.
Her Majesty’s Will William Shakespeare and Kit Marlowe are spies in Elizabethan England
“You Just need to Lose Weight” Aubrey Gordon debunks myths on being a fat person
A Conspiracy in Belgravia (Lady Sherlock #2) Charlotte Holmes is on the case again
Wonderful Thing
Look, I’m going to get straight to the point: If Apple created a sex toy (or robot), I’d be in the line to buy it.
I got turned on to Apple many years ago when I had an Apple Quadra (I forget which model) that I got from work back in the late ‘90s. Before that, I used Apple computers when, during my first foray into college in the early 1990s, I was taking journalism classes and had to do layout for the newspaper. (We had paper newspapers back then! Crazy. I still have the issues I wrote in.)
While I had access to old Apple computers back in the ye olden days when they were already old and used, I could never afford a new one. I went back to college in January 2003 and stayed in school (collecting three master degrees as well as two bachelors) until 2010 and always had Windows OS laptops.
When J and I got together, he just purchased a Macbook Pro. I couldn’t even touch it. Since my Windows laptop was getting long in the tooth, J bought me just a regular Macbook (which they were called then) in 2009. These laptops were very basic and entry laptop.
I now own an Apple Pencil, iPhone, Macbook Air, Airpods, iPad, and Apple Watch. I just replaced my laptop after eight years, my phone after three years (the battery wasn’t holding a charge and I replaced it with a third-party battery which tbh, wasn’t that much better). My Watch is four years old and my iPad is nearing five years; I probably won’t replace them until they are dead. Everything just works the way it’s supposed to and the hardware is just much better. YES, I know it’s proprietary and YES, I know that I can’t do third party upgrades since the new hardware is glued (not really but you get my point) to the logic board. But I don’t care.
(The only thing I don’t have is an Apple TV (J handles the entertainment and our Roku like device runs on Google OS.) or any of the other computers since I don’t need them. OH, fucking Best Kitty. We mulled over she should buy the AirPods Max. I told her “no” because not only are they pricey ($549) but if she bought them then I’m sure I’ll buy them later on by dipping into my fuck off fund. She agreed it would be a bad buy.)
Apple 4 lyfe.
lisa x