A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue 23: Downcycling
Weight: 314.2
Days since efficacy: 17
Mood: there
Same newsletter, different name: Decided to revert to the original newsletter name. While the plague rages on, the world is starting to accept its new reality and goddammit, I just want to be HOPEFUL.
And then…
Started downcycling (where my mood goes towards depressive mode) on Friday afternoon. There was nothing that triggered it, that I can recall other than some slight rage that has been popping up now and then. Half of the office was out for the holiday weekend, so I left work a few hours early and worked on Excessively Diverting for a bit. Kristin and I canceled our Friday night 90 Day Fiancé watch which gave me a bit of pleasure because I wasn’t really feeling up to mocking people’s lives. When it comes to reality shows, I readily admit I’m an asshole.
TEH has been laying down in the bedroom after work, and for most of the rest of the day, lately as he spends the day standing at his desk and he needs some back relief. I, on the other hand, bundled up on the couch and mainlined the entire second season of Unpolished. I crawled into bed, still feeling depressed, about midnight.
Then I slept without dreams.
Saturday was a bit better. I took a shower even though I didn’t want to. I spent most of the day doing homework (this term’s class is “Who Are the Celts?”) and read the latest issue of BBC History magazine. TEH and his pretentious cinema ways turned on Suspense, a 1913 film by Lois Weber (who also starred) which I watched. Weber’s considered the first woman director in cinematic history and some of her techniques are still used today.
The night was chill, and I started to come out of the down spiral. It’s been less than 24 hours since Saturday night, but I cannot tell you what we had for dinner or what came after.
I downcycle so rarely these days that when it happens it always throws me off guard. While I was buried on the couch, TEH kept asking if I was using my tools to keep me even keel. “Yes,” I replied. “I’m on the couch watching Unpolished. Leave me alone.”
To be fair, I had a suspicion this moment was coming. As I was texting Kristin earlier on Friday, I am content and yet unhappy. I asked my shrink is this what normal people feel like? I want for nothing, but I feel like something is missing. I worry that my heyday as a writer is long gone, and I’ll never write a fiction book. Each attempt in the past has landed me a few chapters and nothing more.
I feel like a failure.
I’m not sure how to makes this sound reasonable. I have this deep sense of foreboding that hangs around me like a tight cloak that if I move just the right way, I’ll get choked. I remind myself repeatedly how lucky of a life I lead and that in a lot of ways, my future is very bright.
But I am hungry for more. I always want more.
But what is it that I want?
Nothing.
Everything.
The downcycle is lifting again and I feel somewhat better. I am functioning and the yoke of helplessness has lessened. I still have that niggling feeling in my chest that something is not quite right, but the articulation of that sense of doom and failure is eluding me.
I need to climb out of this deeper pit which is invading the nooks of my psyche. The downcycle is a hint of what could become a problem if I don’t tackle it and figure something out. I’m not suicidal. Just frustrated.
Wonderful Thing
Love Island UK is coming back, baby! S7 starts airing in June. Don’t even watch the American version is awful. We can’t do anything right. If you’re going to watch Love Island, watch the UK or AUS versions. The first six seasons of UK are on Hulu along with the first two seasons of Love Island AUS.
It’s gloriously debauched and wonderfully trashy. Be warned that as the episodes are shown daily, each season has about 40 episodes but it’s totally bingeworthy.
Interesting Things (or things to buy)
Nothing this week.
Links to Read That Are Not (Terribly) Depressing
Don’t be an ass. Wear a damned mask. Unless you’re fully vaxxed but don’t be stupid.
lisa x
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