A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #85 Memories in the Moonlight
Weight: 315.8
Mood: Not manic at this moment
I think about memories, history, and the passage of time a lot. Not because I turn 50 next year (Jesus Christ) but the jealousy of people who have this instant or near instant recall of an event that happened to them a month or ten years ago. Websites, newsletters, and social media are jammed of people talking about things of yore that they remember or comparing a contemporary thing with a vintage thing. “Oh, White Claw supposedly tastes of Zima – remember that?” Will go some sort dewy and bright eyed xenial as they hang out with their millennial friends. Zima was the stuff of GenXers, perhaps xenials are too young to remember but none-the-less, advertising has us believe if you compare the old with the new, you’ll hit two types of people to buy your product: the old and the new.
(I went off the rails there for a hot minute about Zima and White Claw and let me tell you – I tried White Claw for the first-time last month and gagged from its cherry medicinal taste. How anyone can gleefully drink this abomination is beyond me. Or maybe, god forbid, I’m old.)
My memory and recall is a giant piece of swiss cheese: I seemingly retain nothing and can only do recall when I read something I wrote years ago, which I rarely do these days because I don’t want to remember my past. I went through eight years of straight schooling and barely remember a paper I wrote.
The question becomes, “why don’t you want to remember your past? It couldn’t be all that bad.” And it wasn’t, I suppose. I was a latchkey kid with a single working mom. I was entertaining myself long before entertaining oneself was cool. I had trips to friend’s houses, hanging out with my favorite aunt, going to private coves by the river to sit and read, and days at the beach. But there was also the dark side where my mom’s unchecked bipolar ruled the seven seas and she would ground me for months for the slightest infraction. She once told me she has sympathy but no empathy for me. She was insistent, and convinced others as well, that I was jealous of my baby brother. She stopped giving me gifts or buying me needed things like clothes and shoes because my father was sort of in the picture and paid for things for me so why should she bother? Or better yet, I should get a job which I did at 14 busing tables at Sbarro’s while fending off the franchise owner’s 17 year old son in the backroom.
My therapist and I have been talking about memories and trauma from my early days and how I do not want to address it. They say that if it does not impact my daily life, pulling up what I do remember, and working through it, could cause more harm than good. I’m thinking, maybe I do need to do this kind of work. I document the world for over 20 years because I want the world to remember me but at the same time, I do not want to remember myself.
So, it’s a dichotomy. I’m jealous of people who can recall things and events from their past but at the same time, whenever I start talking about these things, I always associate trauma with it all. (See first job = first sexual harassment.)
I don’t want it to be that way. I want to remember the good stuff because there has to be some good stuff, right? It can’t be all doom and gloom. But when I try to conjure up those good times, nothing happens.
Nothing happens.
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TW: Diet
I’ve dropped Noom as the “health and wellness” goal and turned to WW to do its job. Yeah, yeah, dieting is patriarchal and the man is keeping me down and I’m only buying into the capitalism of diet culture. Fantastic. While yes, I want to be fit and healthy (I’m going to start the training for C25K soon-ish), bendy and flexible, I also don’t want to weigh over 300 lbs. It’s not about clothing size and it’s not about being “thin,” it’s in the matter that I’m at a point at my weight that if I don’t get it under control, it could feasibly not be out there to skyrocket to the point I can’t find clothes in stores or fit into seating and places. I have a lot of friends who have gone the weight loss surgery route and that’s the path I’m currently seeking. Based on reasonable loss per week, I could easily be under 300lbs by the end of the year doing WW. Then I have a choice to make if I want to continue on the WW path and whip things into shape or go down the path for WLS. My therapist recommended that since most insurance programs want to see you at least try one for the gipper before the process starts, I’m notifying my GP that I’m on WW now to get that started.
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Today’s topics were not what I was looking to write about this week – I’ve been manic on and off for the last few weeks and I wanted to talk about that and my new habit of spending money on shit I think I need (new Uggs to replace the 14 year old pair, new bag from Portland Leather, Tevas for those long walks on the beach when I’ve only long walked once, and make-up because I need to look hot for the dog).
There might me an Issue 85.5 this week to address it. Whose to say!
Wonderful Thing
It’s a thruple this week:
The Matrix: Resurrections trailer has dropped this past week! As of this writing, no one I have spoken to who has seen the trailer is disappointed and that includes TEH who hates everything. The first three Matrix movies are on HBO Max if you need the catch up before it hits theatres and HBO Max on December 17.
Only Murders in the Building with Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez who star as three true crime podcast obsessives who are convinced a death ruled as suicide is actually a murder. It’s lighthearted, fun, and a lovely spoof to true crime aficionados and the meaning of friendship. Playing on Hulu with weekly episodes dropping on Tuesday.
Sally Rooney’s third novel, Beautiful World, Where Are You, was released this past Tuesday and hoo boy. It’s gotten more hype than Jesus at Christmas. I wrote about its effect on libraries (circulation and purchases) on FB the other day while simultaneously putting myself on the waiting list to read it. I was in luck at being first in line and the one before me must have read quickly because on Thursday it was sitting on my Kindle. I'm over 50% through and goddamn, it's good. Sexy, thoughtful, observant, and sad. I hate Sally Rooney.
Interesting Things (or things to buy)
Cider. Cider. Cider.
In the last couple of years, I’ve steered away from beers into ciders and it was one of the best alcoholic choices I’ve made in ages. (Except for my standby Guinness.) Found out at dinner one night that Great Lakes International Cider and Perry Competition happens every year in Grand Rapids and I had NO FUCKING IDEA. They are always looking for judges so guess what I’ll be doing next year? Getting drunk on cider, I tell you what. My current favs are Two K Farms Cherry and Vander Mill Bluish Gold. I also fell in love with Vander Mill’s Cherry Chuckle but that was a limited release dammit. (I have four or five four packs of Bluish Gold to tide me over while I’m up here and for home since I can only find Vander Mill randomly in Louisville but everywhere in Michigan.)
Links to Read That Are Not (Terribly) Depressing
Man Photographed as Baby on ‘Nevermind’ Cover Sues Nirvana, Alleging Child Pornography (This is a crock of shit.)
Totally real actor who plays Roy Kent responds to conspiracy theory that he is CGI
33 New and Returning Shows to Watch This Fall (Lots of good TV coming out this fall: The Witcher! Sex Education! The Great! Hawkeye! The Book of Boba Fett!)
Viking Warriors Were Ultra Violent and Without Mercy: Some Were Women
Lawrence Chaney on Drag Race UK casting its first cisgender female queen: “About time”
Get vaccinated and mask up! There is a pandemic going on.
lisa x
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