A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #150 We are untold stories
I thank you
Dear Internet,
ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY ISSUES!
Crazy!
When I stopped writing at exitpursuedbyabear.net back in 2016-17, never thought I’d pick up writing online again. I felt like I’ve said what I’ve wanted to say and everything else would be repetative.
But newsletters were starting to become a thing and everyone was at TinyLetter. I got on there too and imported an old contact list and wrote about my life. Again. But then the shift to Substack happened and who was I but to follow suit like a lemming?
Writing is a drug and I’m an addict.
My issues were haphazard until Covid kicked and I started writing regularly again. Telling my stories felt good. Felt real. Felt like a part of me. My brother recently got upset with me for writing online (and Mr Lisa has on and off over the years) and I have no problem changing names and locations (or not mentioning locations) but writing about my life? Yeah, that was going to continue.
Some stories are not mine to tell but stories that affect me are. I’ve been mocked pretty mercilessly over the years about revealing my life online: I was a liar and a hypocrite were the main complaints. How did I feel X about this thing and then change to Y later on? How dare I put my life online and expect recognization. Praise. Fame. How dare I?
I’ve been thinking about the mockery for some time now and my thoughts wander over to the Beastie Boys.
In a doc on the Beastie Boys, on Apple+ a few years ago (It was more of a Q & A and a walk through their history), Mike D talked about a common question he gets on some of the things Ad Rock has said over the years which wasn’t that great. Ad Rock has changed over the years, Mike D said, and he was proud for Ad Rock for changing because it showed he was willing to accept new ideas into his life. Be a better person. Make a difference. Ad Rock is certainly not the same person at 57 (jesus christ) then he was at 27.
I’m obviously not the Beastie Boys and I don’t have the reach that they do, but what Mike D said was true: people grow and change as they go through life. They accepted new ideas and often their minds change on how they want to live their life. Case in point: Eight or nine years ago, I was obviously convinced TheBassist was the love of my life. Him breaking up with me (dumping me back on Mr Lisa) shattered me. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life and how was I going to survive?
But I learned as time goes by, relationships are more than just hot sex. That was the thing with The Bassist: he didn’t want to have conversations about feelings or about us. If something happened, and it often did since I was unmedicated at the time, he’d push me away and retreat. I talked about this years ago but people with borderline personality disorder (and so do people who are bipolr) use sex as control. If you don’t fuck me obviously you don’t love me. Rationally, I knew sex != love but it took a therapist actually saying that for me to go, “You know, you’re right.” I stopped having sex with TheBassist and he was convinced our relationship was dying.
Once I was out of that toxic relationship, my drugs stabilized, and I was seeing a competent therapist, I began to understand that love, real love, was more than just passion. Mr Lisa and I went through couples counseling for a few years, we worked on our issues, and I began to relax. I was no longer wondering if Mr Lisa was going to leave me (and how I treated him, he had every right to leave and never talk to me again) and it finally got into my head that if Mr Lisa was angry with me, it did not mean he was going to leave or shun me.
I’m very lucky in a million ways to have Mr Lisa in my life. He provides what not only what I need but also what I want. I count myself grateful for his love and my aim is to not only remain stable in my own self but to work on our relationship until one of us dies.
How in the fuck did I go from being excited about hitting 150 issues and writing about Mr Lisa and I?
Well, there you go and here we are.
I mentioned in Special Issue #2 about my body dysmorphia at the wedding and how I refused to post pictures of Mr Lisa and I publicly. I just cannot do it. Writing about my life, my feelings, what affects me is an invisible look. You read the words, and I try to describe as much as I can, but to see the images breaks the spell. That’s what I at least tell myself.
Fat girl surgery and body dysmorphia go hand in hand. (As does addiction from food to something else.) Now that I’m down to once a month appointments with my therapist, I email him my thoughts and feelings on food every week instead. I told him if he wants to respond, that’s okay, but if he doesn’t, that is also okay. It’s totally a good record to keep track of how I’m coping without having to stem and stutter at our appointments.
I have a plan in my head, based on what I’m losing now, on how much I should weigh at different times in the future. The weight loss is completely doable but this is not something I should be thinking about. I shouldn’t plan or forecast weight loss. My body has changed significantly in 4.5 months and it will continue to change. (Per my weight loss app, I’ve lost 49.6 pounds since July 2022. I roughly have another 63 to go.)
There is still a long road ahead.
(I will say I’ve started walking in the mornings again and if I can’t make the mornings, after work. I’m putting in 1.5 to 2 miles each day. I was telling Kristin the other day that while I hate Louisville with sum of a thousand suns, one advantage we do have is a large park a few blocks from our condo. I can put together new routes almost every walk without getting bored. I can even walk to Indiana!)
NSV: Both Mr. Lisa and I have storage bags under our bed with clothes from when we were thinner. I opened up my storage bag to grab my red leather jacket. I haven’t worn this jacket in nearly a decade and I wanted to see if it fit.
Reader, IT DOES! I can zip it up quite easily and it’s not tight. The only issue is the shoulders because I am broad but other than that, it fits really well.
Other newsletter updates and publications
· chapbook: commercial breaks
What I’m Reading
I’ve now moved What I’m Reading over to Lisa Rabey Writes Stuff newsletter. (That newsletter is also weekly (on Wednesdays) and covers what I’m writing, the process, and what is happening in the writer world if you are interested.)
Wonderful Thing
Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story
Julia Quinn is a historical romance author, mainly Regency, and writes stories that are sexy, relatable, and real. No crazy situations. No unrealistic women and men.
You may not know Julia, but you may know the TV series based off her books, Bridgerton. The TV series, which dropped in December 2020, became a runaway hit on Netflix. The crux of the series is each season follows one of the eight Bridgerton kids as they stalk, fumble, and love their way into marriage. Quinn is no slouch in the sexy department and neither are the shows.
There are now two season with season three coming later this year.
(The shows are produced by Shonda Rhimes (Grey’s Anatomy, Inventing Anna, How to Get Away with Murder) via Shondaland.)
Word dropped that a spin-off series on Queen Charlotte and her marriage to George the III (also known as Mad King George). Queen Charlotte in the Bridgerton series has become one of the runaway beloved characters but how do you produce a show on a character with real life and historical life?
With Rhimes and Quinn, turns out quite easy.
Reader, I don’t think anyone expected or even had a clue how Quinn and Rhimes were going to present the story in six episodes, but good lord, did I sob. The ending was *chef;’s kiss*, perfect. I sobbed so hard I went through several tissues. (Rumour is abound there will be a second season and I violently protest! Leave Charlotte and George alone.)
(I’m tearing up writing this.)
The beginning of the series does make it very clear that this is fact mixed with fiction. Fact: Queen Charlotte came from Mecklenburg-Strelitz region of Germany/Austria. Fact: She and King George III had 15 children, 13 which lived into adult hood. Semi-fact: No one really knows how their love story actually went but what is known is the king did not mess around with anyone other than Charlotte. Fiction: Queen Charlotte’s relationship with Lady Danbury and Lady Bridgerton. Fiction: Most of the little details about Charlotte and George’s personality.
Some trolls on the internet are having conniption fits about the color blind casting of Bridgerton and by extension Queen Charlotte. Racist trolls.
Quinn and Rhimes have also written a companion book to complement the series.
Anyway, you don’t need to watch Bridgerton to watch Queen Charlotte, it is very much a standalone, but if you’re looking for something fun, heartwarming, and emotional, you cannot go wrong with Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story.
(Still tearing up over here!)
Have a good week!
lisa x