🐣 A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #176🌈 The Militia Marches In

Trusty Pride & Prejudice

Logo made by Tom!

Dear Internet,

It does not feel like my depression is lifting.

My anti-depressants have been upped from 50 mg of Zoloft to now at 150 mg which I just started the other day. I’m sleeping in until noon, up all night, and everything feels like I’m swimming in mud.

I keep up with my routines because it’s the only way I know how to survive each day. I whip out my digital notebook, cut and paste the template from the day before and begin again. Did I make the bed and take my meds? Check. Did I brush my teeth and eat? Check. Any impulsive spending? Yes or no. What are my intentions for today? For tomorrow?

Every day, day in and day out.

Mr. Lisa is very concerned because he sees me as at the edge of a swirling vortex and my struggle is hard. Getting up is hard, showering is hard, even brushing my teeth feels exhausting. I just want to curl up in a ball and not move. The other day, while I woke up at 8 a.m., I slept on and off until noon because I thought, “what is the fucking point of getting up?”

I try to keep myself busy and a routine going even when I feel like fucking shit. At therapy this week, my therapist wanted me to commit to going to bed and getting up at reasonable hours, so I tried that starting on Thursday night. I went to bed at 10 p.m. even though I wasn’t tired, took my Tylenol P.M. and read until I fell asleep. When the alarm went off at 8:15 a.m. on Friday, I was desperate to turn on snooze, but Mr. Lisa asked me to take the dog out for her morning walk while he showered. I agreed and everything felt heavy as I moved. I’ve never been so depressed that even putting a coat on felt difficult.

After breakfast, I packed up my laptop and accouterments and headed to the coffee shop and bourbon bar across the street to work. Mr. Lisa wants me out of the where my weekly writer’s group meets but Friday I opted for the coffee shop across the street. It’s only open until 11 a.m. but I choose it instead of the other because it was so close. Walking six blocks to the other joint seemed too far.

In the end on Friday, I left the coffee shop after an hour because the Gen Z barista kept saying “another day, another slay” and I just cannot with this generation. I came home and took my stuff as well as a bottle of Perrier to the condo building’s library and worked.

Friday night we ran errands and it felt okay. We bought Mr. Lisa new flip flops (and it turns out mine are in dire need of replacing), dropped stuff off at Goodwill (why does it seem we’re always dropping stuff off but the amount of stuff we own never seems to go down?), grocery shopped, did our mani/pedis, Target, and then dinner.

We watched The Bachelor (god, is Joey boring) and then bed. Saturday was another morning of alarm set and I could not get up but I had a webinar on writing romantic suspense in an hour so I showered, eat my bowl of cereal, and took my meds. Turns out the time on the webinar was wrong so I was not late but rather early. I read through email and joined at the appropriate time only to find the presenters not only did not show up, but the coordinators could not reach them. The webinar has been rescheduled.

And this brings us to late Saturday morning, which is now.

And that’s about what I have left in the tank today already though later, I may work on my book and/or watch Pride & Prejudice. C’mon, Lizzie and Mr. Darcy!

(I always have to preface this, but I’m not in crisis so no suicide ideation. My brain is just on fire and I have a mental headache. I need to wait it out.)

Wonderful Thing

Spotify playlist: No Fucking Vocals

When I get in these bouts, I used to find the most depressing songs on the planet (I’m looking at you The Cure) and listen for hours and hours, letting the words define those scattered moments. Now, I cannot deal with words. It hurts, sometimes physically, to listen to songs with words.

Pre-Covid (because that is how I measure time), I created No Fucking Vocals on Spotify.

Alice once said most people’s introduction to classical music is via soundtracks and she’s not wrong. Soundtracks from Amelie, Pride & Prejudice (2005), Atonement, and Downton Abbey are just part of the nearly 500 songs and nearly 25 hours of music on the list. (Huh. There at least four movies on the list that Kiera Knightly stars in and at least four Jane Austen films. But there is also quite a bit of Star Wars so that must count for something for you nerds out there!)

Crashing cymbals,

lisa x