🍀 A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #177 🌊 Cider and cards
We had to teach ourselves to play Uno it had been so long
Dear Internet,
The week dragged on as I adjust to the new meds and honestly? I feel worse. I’m bipolar one which means I’m on the manic end and not the depression end but I’m not immune to depression. I haven’t felt this depressed in god knows how long.
At least with mania, even when I was the most destructive, I was in a good mood.
Sometimes I miss those days.
Mr. Lisa is concerned about my movement in mud so Thursday, we had an impromptu date.
We went to a local brewery we like, drank (I had a cider), ate pretzel bites while playing Uno. We did not keep track of points but rather who won the game. He beat me 4 – 2.
After the brewery, we had dinner at a local burger joint. I was full of the pretzel bites and cider that I only had a few bites of my burger. I have lunch for Friday.
We were gone for maybe three hours? And in those three hours, I felt honestly OK. I enjoyed the local cider and playing Uno. Dinner was good. The burgers at Grind are always good. We discovered a jazz club a few doors down from Grind that we’re going to check out. We’ve been looking for a local jazz club for a while. We’ll drink bougie cocktails and snap our fingers when the set is over.
But when we got back, everything felt overwhelming again. I needed to shower and getting my clothes off felt like a burden.
Our water heater died on Monday and we’ve been taking cold showers and rinsing with hot water we boil in our kettle. I wet the loofah sponge with the cold water and scrubbed down with Mr. Lisa rinsing me with the hot water. I was also able to wash my hair which I haven’t done since before the water heater died.
The plumbers came on Wednesday and gave us a quote that was…a lot. The stupid, idiotic, motherfucking stupid dummy heads that owned the condo before us didn’t think to put the hot water heater in the laundry on the floor. Oh no. They built a platform 12’ above ground and the water heater sits on the platform along with our furnace. 25% of the cost is covering the difficulty it will take to get the water heater down and the new one installed. So, that was fun.
I’m giving myself until mid-this week to see how I feel. I did a head count (haha) the other day and I’m on six meds for my brain. Two mood stabilizers, three anti-depressants (one is Vitamin D which helps with anti-depressants and not prescribed), and one non-stimulant ADHD drug (which we’re waiting to see if that works).
I do not have thoughts of suicide ideation but the other night I was sitting on the couch and just thought, “why?” That’s all I wanted to know. Why me? I don’t have one mental illness, I have many. (Bipolar 1, general anxiety, depression, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder.) I’m told over and over again how self-aware and lucky I am the med combo I’m on works. I get that, I’m stable (mostly), and I am grateful for it but sometimes I just get tired that there are times when life is a struggle and sometimes, I can’t do shit about it.
On the subject of high functioning depression, WaPo did an article on this topic earlier this week (gift link). The therapist they interview (who did a TikTok on this topic and it is linked in the article) discussed how depression manifests itself differently from person to person and it’s not always obvious.
Which is true for me. I get up, I take care of my needs, I take my meds, and I do other routine stuff. It’s the rest of the day that feels like I’m swimming in mud. But if you were to meet me and talk with me, you’d probably guess I was not depressed but just a quite person whose inside is screaming to go home and play solitaire.
Which brings me to the point made by the therapist when listing sign is turning to mindless habits for hours on end.
Now, this is fascinating to me because for about three to four weeks now, I’ve been obsessed with playing solitaire whether on my phone or on my iPad. Video dates with friends? Playing solitaire. Waiting for something, somewhere? Playing solitaire. I take breaks in what I’m doing to play solitaire.
The article is a good read and I recommend you give it a whirl.
Also want to note that World Bipolar Day is March 30th so that week’s issue may come out on Saturday and not Sunday as par usual.
Sorry chums, this is about as much as I have in me this week.
Wonderful Thing
Mr. Lisa and I like going to the movies and have as long as we’ve known each other. To keep it even keel, we swap who chooses the next movie. The system has worked for us very well over the years. This time is my turn, but nothing is appealing to me yet. I wanted to see Lisa Frankenstein but that came and went pretty quickly.
Almost every weekend we head to Baxter Movie Theater which is an indie theater in the Highlands. We love this theater because it’s small (only 8 screens), the fountain drinks and popcorn are good, and it plays a good mix of indie and blockbuster films. In the last few weeks, we’ve seen Perfect Days (Japanese) and The Zone of Interest (German).
We also like it because it is a ritual. We go to the movies, we get our snacks, and after the movies we go to Raising Cane’s for chicken tendies for our dinner-lunch-whatever. We have a routine and something to look forward to and nothing helps more for a depressed person and an anxious person is routines.
We do not, if we can help it, go to major chains. The prices are higher than Baxter for tickets and snacks, the floors are often sticky, and the employees look bored. The same woman at Baxter has been taking our tickets for years. We’ve never seen another person doing that job.
The exception to the major chain rule is when we’re in MI. The exception is that the two theaters in downtown TC that do the indie films only do one film at a time for a week so it’s hard to catch what you want to see so we do end up heading to the chain theater in town.
happy watching,
lisa x