π A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #177 π Cider and cards
We had to teach ourselves to play Uno it had been so long
Dear Internet,
The week dragged on as I adjust to the new meds and honestly? I feel worse. Iβm bipolar one which means Iβm on the manic end and not the depression end but Iβm not immune to depression. I havenβt felt this depressed in god knows how long.
At least with mania, even when I was the most destructive, I was in a good mood.
Sometimes I miss those days.
Mr. Lisa is concerned about my movement in mud so Thursday, we had an impromptu date.
We went to a local brewery we like, drank (I had a cider), ate pretzel bites while playing Uno. We did not keep track of points but rather who won the game. He beat me 4 β 2.
After the brewery, we had dinner at a local burger joint. I was full of the pretzel bites and cider that I only had a few bites of my burger. I have lunch for Friday.
We were gone for maybe three hours? And in those three hours, I felt honestly OK. I enjoyed the local cider and playing Uno. Dinner was good. The burgers at Grind are always good. We discovered a jazz club a few doors down from Grind that weβre going to check out. Weβve been looking for a local jazz club for a while. Weβll drink bougie cocktails and snap our fingers when the set is over.
But when we got back, everything felt overwhelming again. I needed to shower and getting my clothes off felt like a burden.
Our water heater died on Monday and weβve been taking cold showers and rinsing with hot water we boil in our kettle. I wet the loofah sponge with the cold water and scrubbed down with Mr. Lisa rinsing me with the hot water. I was also able to wash my hair which I havenβt done since before the water heater died.
The plumbers came on Wednesday and gave us a quote that wasβ¦a lot. The stupid, idiotic, motherfucking stupid dummy heads that owned the condo before us didnβt think to put the hot water heater in the laundry on the floor. Oh no. They built a platform 12β above ground and the water heater sits on the platform along with our furnace. 25% of the cost is covering the difficulty it will take to get the water heater down and the new one installed. So, that was fun.
Iβm giving myself until mid-this week to see how I feel. I did a head count (haha) the other day and Iβm on six meds for my brain. Two mood stabilizers, three anti-depressants (one is Vitamin D which helps with anti-depressants and not prescribed), and one non-stimulant ADHD drug (which weβre waiting to see if that works).
I do not have thoughts of suicide ideation but the other night I was sitting on the couch and just thought, βwhy?β Thatβs all I wanted to know. Why me? I donβt have one mental illness, I have many. (Bipolar 1, general anxiety, depression, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder.) Iβm told over and over again how self-aware and lucky I am the med combo Iβm on works. I get that, Iβm stable (mostly), and I am grateful for it but sometimes I just get tired that there are times when life is a struggle and sometimes, I canβt do shit about it.
On the subject of high functioning depression, WaPo did an article on this topic earlier this week (gift link). The therapist they interview (who did a TikTok on this topic and it is linked in the article) discussed how depression manifests itself differently from person to person and itβs not always obvious.
Which is true for me. I get up, I take care of my needs, I take my meds, and I do other routine stuff. Itβs the rest of the day that feels like Iβm swimming in mud. But if you were to meet me and talk with me, youβd probably guess I was not depressed but just a quite person whose inside is screaming to go home and play solitaire.
Which brings me to the point made by the therapist when listing sign is turning to mindless habits for hours on end.
Now, this is fascinating to me because for about three to four weeks now, Iβve been obsessed with playing solitaire whether on my phone or on my iPad. Video dates with friends? Playing solitaire. Waiting for something, somewhere? Playing solitaire. I take breaks in what Iβm doing to play solitaire.
The article is a good read and I recommend you give it a whirl.
Also want to note that World Bipolar Day is March 30th so that weekβs issue may come out on Saturday and not Sunday as par usual.
Sorry chums, this is about as much as I have in me this week.
Wonderful Thing
Mr. Lisa and I like going to the movies and have as long as weβve known each other. To keep it even keel, we swap who chooses the next movie. The system has worked for us very well over the years. This time is my turn, but nothing is appealing to me yet. I wanted to see Lisa Frankenstein but that came and went pretty quickly.
Almost every weekend we head to Baxter Movie Theater which is an indie theater in the Highlands. We love this theater because itβs small (only 8 screens), the fountain drinks and popcorn are good, and it plays a good mix of indie and blockbuster films. In the last few weeks, weβve seen Perfect Days (Japanese) and The Zone of Interest (German).
We also like it because it is a ritual. We go to the movies, we get our snacks, and after the movies we go to Raising Caneβs for chicken tendies for our dinner-lunch-whatever. We have a routine and something to look forward to and nothing helps more for a depressed person and an anxious person is routines.
We do not, if we can help it, go to major chains. The prices are higher than Baxter for tickets and snacks, the floors are often sticky, and the employees look bored. The same woman at Baxter has been taking our tickets for years. Weβve never seen another person doing that job.
The exception to the major chain rule is when weβre in MI. The exception is that the two theaters in downtown TC that do the indie films only do one film at a time for a week so itβs hard to catch what you want to see so we do end up heading to the chain theater in town.
happy watching,
lisa x