🍫 A Most Unreliable Narrator 🍿 Issue #179 monsters in existence

How I perceive how the world views me

Mar 24, 2024

Dear Internet,

When I wrote last week’s issue, and I mentioned I was not publishing one today, it spaced my mind that I would be working this week in Michigan and not dilly dallying around with the fam. That would happen after dinner and on the weekend so I had time to write.

While organizing some docs for a writing project, I came across this essay I wrote about how I perceive the world views those of us with mental illness. I thought about finding a home for it and decided to use my Medium membership and publish it over there. Since the piece is for premium members, it won’t be seen unless you have said membership. With that, I decided to also publish it here for the free world. (If you are a member of medium, please go give my piece a thumbs up!)

The date stamp of this piece says October 2023 but I know for sure that is not true. I know it’s at least pre-pandemic and it might be quite old based on how I write the topic.

monsters in existence

In nearly every listicle or article on the state of mental illness, the near number one beg is to not regard the mentally ill as monsters. “Do not be afraid!” “We are just like you!” and so forth is so adamantly written it could be splashed in bold and 40-point font across the page. I imagine those who write these things feel as if they some large, ragged tooth, multi-color furred, eyes on either side of their head monsters drooling spit and smelling like a slaughterhouse. The begging for normalcy is so pungent, so desperate, you feel it walk on your skin like pinpricks. We scream, silently across the page, of frustration born out of lack of understanding — of ourselves, of those around us.

There is nothing wrong to ask to be considered normal — I’d gather 98% of the population wants to be normal — but it doesn’t exist. It’s a fallacy. We strive so hard to fit in, to not rock the boat, to want what our neighbors want, and to achieve the dream of what is expected of us. No one has this lifestyle — something many of us with mental illness seem to ignore or forget. Normalcy doesn’t exist. It never has and begging to be accepted as something that doesn’t exist is far worse than reveling in our illnesses.

We are monsters but not in the way that people think.

We are monsters because we are asking of people what we often deny ourselves — the acceptance of our diseases. I know I’ve asked this of those around me — treat me like you treat everyone else. But not everyone lashes out at the turn of a dime, of not sleeping for days, of not locking themselves in their apartment, emotionally and mentally dead, because they feel they are the monster people write about and to be out in the world is a certain death.

Ultimately, I think, it’s difficult for people to accept, acknowledge, or even entertain the idea of someone with mental illness that is not a monster. In the opposite of those listicles and articles are the news reports of something awful and the reason is the person was mentally ill. The world at large prescribes mental illness as the root of all evil. Across every form on the internet, if someone doesn’t act “normal,” armchair psychiatrists immediately diagnose. “Well, they are bipolar or on the spectrum,” are the two most popular thought lines. Every erratic behavior. Every weird thing. Everything and all the things that doesn’t resonate. People simply cannot be. People simply cannot have a bad day, or be upset, or cry hysterically if a pet dies. If you do that, you are crazy, and ergo you are a monster.

So, we strive to write those listicles and those articles to explain, beg, and cajole. We are desperate to be accepted. To be acknowledged.

To be forgiven for the trespasses of others.

For a very long time, I refused treatment. I refused drugs. I refused to manage my brain. It felt helpless. Impossible. If I could not do it, then, how could I expect the world to accept me? I was not safe. Untrustworthy. A liar and a cheat. Is this me, the real me, or my brain having a grand old time?

Can you separate the two?

We are monsters because our illnesses are chemical based or born out of abuse. No one wants to think of those things. They are bad things and must be avoided at all costs. If we ignore it, it will go away, right?

Our behaviors can be managed, of course, but not controlled. I am not pledging that we should forego our treatments to live wild, because we are wild creatures when we are not taking care of ourselves, but more that we stop fighting for something that doesn’t exist. Being mentally ill is not a badge, and yet some seem to want that badge because they desire to be a monster.

Whatever that means.

Being a monster is something that is very public, very raw, and very center stage.

So yes, I circle back to the listless and the articles that I mention in the beginning. Even if think those listless and articles are pointless, are they though? Aren’t we, meaning I, to champion my illness to the world at large to get that understanding I’m convinced doesn’t exist? Even if I strip it down, the constant championing is exhausting. Sometimes debilitating. Frightening. We are tired of the platitudes. We are tired of the response posts that claim support and really, mean nothing.

If I sound frustrated, it is because I am. I work so hard now to stabilize and to live fully in the present but each time I cry, or I am sad, or I show a bit of anger, I fear people think I’m no longer able to manage myself and don’t deserve their love and understanding.

So, what do I want? What can be my salvation?

One day, I hope to tell you.

A Most Unreliable Narrator

🍫 A Most Unreliable Narrator 🍿 Issue #179 monsters in existence

How I perceive how the world views me

monsters in existence

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