Discover more from A Most Unreliable Narrator
Dear Internet,
I just cannot with myself.
I was thinking about ‘90s and ’00 fashion the other day since Gen Z is on it like syrup on pancakes. It got me thinking about a pair of cream knee-high socks I used to wear in the ‘90s and I had this suspicion that I still had those damned knee-high socks.
Yep. Checked my sock drawer and I still have those damned knee-high socks. I haven’t worn them since the ‘90s. Why did I keep them? First thought is that I would wear them, but that clearly did not happen.
Second thought is I grew up with not having much in terms of stuff and history. Mother, in her manic days, tossed everything. Neither my brother nor myself have pictures of our childhood. The only thing I saved was my baby book and my teddy bear and those fucking socks.
Speaking of olde tyme bullshit, Wordpress.com emailed me about an update to their privacy policy. This wouldn’t be out of the ordinary except it was sent to an email address I hadn’t used in at least a decade. I did a password reset and turns out yep, still had the account. I also had a blog attached to the account from 2010. 2010! The name of the blog and the username I created had no relation to any of my usual usernames around the interwebs. No idea what I meant to do with the blog.
But it doesn’t matter. I deleted the blog and deactivated that username. I remember whinging to Best Kate about getting emails from services I no longer had accounts on. She said something along the lines that services were required to keep your email on file for policy changes. What is the point of deleting the account when you’re going to email me about a policy change that does not affect me?
#
Last week I went in for my mammogram.
I bitch and moan every year that gowns come in two sizes: normal human (as defined by society) and fits-three-lisas size. Last year or the year before the boob tech put the regular sized gown away and handed me the fits-three-lisas gown. I nearly cried.
When you’re fat, it’s decisions like these that really amp up how much society hates you. I remember leaving the women’s clinic feeling ashamed and worthless because I was fat and the gown sizing just cemented it.
Now I’m down almost 60lbs since my last mammogram and I steeled myself for the gown size debacle.
The tech calls me and shows me the changing room. She doesn’t pull out the fits-three-lisas gown so I just figured the gown on the chair was it. I take off my t-shirt and bra and put the gown on and it’s … the regular person gown. And I can cover myself with no gaps.
Reader, I cannot process this.
Now, let’s be clear here. I’m 275 pounds and I’m still fat. I’m just not /as/ fat as I was before. But enough came down from me that I could fit in a regular (as defined by society) gown.
(Tots and pears the boob smushing went well and there are no lumps!)
My body dysmorphia plays havoc with my brain all the fucking time. When I was 60lbs heavier, I wore XL t-shirts. I’m still wearing XL t-shirts but they are super baggy on me. I refuse to buy smaller size (why? I do not know.). I cannot fathom why I wore which was obviously too tight t-shirts when I was in my 330s. I was so desperate then to not be seen as fat, I thought if I could squeeze in a XL, I would be fine.
I’m still hesitant about posting pictures of myself online. I posted a bunch of pictures from Iowa State Fair weekend and people were complimenting on how fantastic I looked. I wanted to bite back, “Are you saying I didn’t look fantastic before?” That’s the thing about compliments and weight loss. It feels disingenuous when people comment on the loss because my first instinct is to quip the above. The thing is, me losing weight is no one’s business and but at the same time, I reject and need those compliments.
I had my passport renewed last month and I was beyond paranoid all you could see was neck with no definition of chin. Now you can see chin. There is def chin there.
I mention all of this to Best Kate on the reg and she knows exactly what I’m going through. They do not tell you this shit in the classes you take before or after surgery on how to deal with body dysmorphia. (It’s also a topic that doesn’t come up a lot in fat girl surgery forums now that I think about it.) I talk about it with my therapist in addition to Best Kate, which helps, but it still requires me to do a lot of work on my end to disentangle negative thoughts about my body.
We’re talking decades worth to undo.
#
Our trip to KY last week was fine. We got a late start since we had to run errands in the area and the shops didn’t open until 10 a.m. When we stopped at Target to pick up my meds, they weren’t ready so we had to wait around for that.
The trip back to KY was about nine hours give or take.
When we got home, and of course took the dog out, the first thing we did was head to our local Mexican joint which is a few blocks from the condo. It didn’t feel like we’ve been gone for months; rather, it feels like we just ate there the other day.
Every day we were in KY, I had an appointment of sort including hair and nails. We also hit a few of our favorite restaurants as we didn’t buy groceries while we were there other than a few perishables for breakfast.
We came back on that Saturday and again the drive took 9.5 hours. The catch this time was we stopped for our favorite Mediterranean restaurant in Grand Rapids and even stopping there we still made it back to the cabin in 9.5 hours.
Speed was at our side.
So now we’re back at the cabin for another few months before heading back to KY for the winter. Every weekend except for two something is going on whether we’re on a trip or someone is visiting.
Oh! I’m going to be in the Keys with Best Kate and Annie so no issue for September 10th. The issue on September 17th should be chock full of pictures from the trip. I’m super pumped to see the Hemingway Home and Best Kate and Annie are excited about the six toed cats. (I am not a cat person.)
I should say the next few months are going to be busy so the issues should be sporadic. The 51 Stories in 51 Weeks should be fine since I front load those, the Blotter comes out mid-week and that should also be fine. Lisa Writes Stuff will be iffy.
I’ll keep you all updated.
Wonderful Thing
Playlists
Mr Lisa got this brilliant idea a few years back for us to build a shared playlist. The rules were 50 songs each, no repeat of artist or song. So, I could have She’s Lost Control by Joy Division and Love Will Tear Us Apart by Nouvelle Vague. Mr Lisa could not have a song of either name or a repeat of those artists.
The list turned out pretty eclectic but there is a huge ‘90s and early ‘00s influence in my choices.
Mr Lisa decided we need to do Volume 2 which we’re working on now.
(If you really want to do a deep dive into my musical brain, I took Mr Lisa’s idea and expanded it to over 450 songs. No repeat artists or songs. It blows my mind I know of more than 50 artists let alone over 450!)
As we build the lists, one thing that has come clear is my relationship to Sarah McLachlan’s Possession. The story behind the song is that it is told from the point of view of a stalker. The rest of the story can be found on Wikipedia.
When I first heard the song, sometime in late ’93 / early ’94 (my early 20s), it felt hauntingly beautiful. I /wanted/ someone to hold me down and kiss me so hard and I wanted their body to ache to breathe my breath.
Fast forward 30 years and well, not so much anymore.
Was it #metoo? Was it my own experiences with sexual assault that continue to happen over the years? My own stalkers? Whatever it is, I cringed so hard when I heard the song for the first time in years the other day. I put it on the list because I loved it. I pulled it from the list due to the above and swapped it with Hold On.
I just couldn’t deal with trauma porn.
There is a lot of past music that would not be released today. 2 Live Crew anyone? On the other hand, have we become a self-fulfilling Tipper Gore revival? Do you remember PMRC and the filthy fifteen? Would W.A.P. have made it back then?
(Also note that stalker-y songs like The Police’s I’ll Be Watching You and their pedophilia song, Don’t Stand So Close To Me were totally okay! And what /is/ with The Police? What the fuck is Sting thinking?)
Where was I? Oh yes, playlists.
The next project suggested by Mr Lisa is 100 songs from 1920s to 2020s. Five song each from each decade. No repeats. (I could go back to 1910s with songs by Jelly Roll Morton, King Oliver, Eddie Lang, and others. As you would have guessed, yes, I do have a playlist featuring songs from that era. Called Live and Let Lola, it’s over 16 hours of music from the 1910– 20s mainly covering ragtime and early jazz. The inspiration comes from a book idea I have about a 1910s moll who is a detective.)
He also threw out the idea of no repeats from existing lists which I’m game for but he also thinks it may be too hard. But my guy, so much music!
Moving on, Volume 2 is almost done. Mr Lisa has to swap out a few songs and I need to find four more songs to add. Please take a listen and enjoy!
love and tomatoes.
lisa x
A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #161 music is magic
I have Key West recs if you like