A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #102 the holy grails of grails
Will I ever just be content with what I have?
Dear Internet,
The other week I had the pure feeling of contentment. I clung hard to that feeling that day because it was not something I felt often. Yes, my life is pretty good. Yes, I have a lot going for me. Yes, I am grateful.
But sometimes that is not enough.
This is why that feeling was so shocking.
TEH often gets upset when I say I want more. Why can I never just be happy with what I have? Oh, but I am happy, but I am also greedy. It’s his hugs and kisses. Or when he strokes my arm at night while I fall asleep. I just want more. I want to revel in his attentions.
It’s just not love and affection, but it is always something that I crave. I need to prove what to whom, it does not matter. I just want to taste, touch, and feel everything around me.
Why is this always such a bad thing?
I have mentioned in past issues about hedonic treadmill (I went looking for that issue but after going more than six months past, couldn’t find it). To sum, it’s where one keeps looking for pleasure and creating a new baseline for pleasure aka nothing is every good enough. In a world where we must be present and mindful, I’m out looking for the holy grails of grails of whatever I am pursuing. Why isn’t just being enough?
Which is why TEH gets concerned and worried. Why isn’t everything he does good enough? It is but I’m just greedy.
Does this make me selfish?
I think about how this pursuit for more overshadows everything in my life. If I were to be content, would that to say I should not want to get my body healthy? Isn’t that pursing something more and not being content with what I have? What about employment? Despite the occasional work drama, I’m in a good spot who gets paid ridiculously well for what I do. Did not stop me recently from dusting off ye olde resume and sending it off to a friend who works at Google for a couple of jobs that I am interested in. Why are such pursuits always frowned upon and disagreeable? Why is wanting to taste the world such a bad thing?
(I am not looking for a new job but one day I hope to work for FAANG (Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Netflix, Google) and thought, why the hell not?)
I can hear my therapist’s voice in my ear, telling me that this pursuit is not as innocent as I may think it is but could be a downfall in real and honest happiness. Maybe that’s why that sense of happiness and contentment was so shocking to me the other day and I didn’t know how to deal with it. When would it ever be enough?
Things I Recently Wrote
If you read #97.5, you’ll recall I’ve ditched the We’ll Read Anything Once (Twice If We Like it) book review blog for a newsletter of the same name.
I’ve started stacking up the reviews which will be twice a week for who knows how long since I have a contributor and my reading speed is fast (nearly twenty books down in the first three months of the year).
What I’m Reading
FINISH A FUCKING BOOK LISA BEFORE STARTING A NEW ONE.
The 7/12 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle An Agatha Christie-esque locked room mystery
Reputation Mean girls with Jane Austen thrown in
Dissolution Lawyer turned sleuth in Tudor England
The Historian A 700 page tomb of the retelling of Dracula
When He Was Wicked Book six of the Bridgerton series
If We Were Villains Did he or did he not commit the murder?
P.S. I started watching season two of Bridgerton and I’m plowing through the book series but I’m slowing down and using them as treats. We all want love stories to be like the hand flex.
P.P.S The Folger Shakespeare Library has a book club, Words, Words, Words, where each month they discuss a contemporary fiction book that has some connection to Shakespeare regardless if it is a modern retelling one of his plays, set in the Elizabethan times, or references Shakespeare even lightly.
Wonderful Thing
Momma’s Mustard, Pickles, and BBQ.
It wasn’t until the last few years I became a convert to BBQ, one of TEH’s favorite meals. We would walk down to Feast quite often, and did pick-up when the pandemic started, until they stopped serving ribs. What BBQ place doesn’t sell ribs? TEH was bereft until one night scrolling through GrubHub we came across Momma’s and decided to give them a shot. Oh. Em. Gee. Makes Feast, which is quite good withstanding, like poo on a stick. I think TEH nearly came after eating Momma’s ribs and sauce. We ventured out to the location a few weeks back on a not busy night and was rewarded with the most delicious food. We had ribs, cornbread, potato salad, BBQ meatloaf, cole slaw, fries, and baked beans. Everything was beyond delicious. If I mention Momma’s to TEH, he starts salivating.
Anyway, that’s what we had for dinner on Friday. If you come to visit, and you like BBQ, this is where I’m taking you.
Interesting Things (or things to buy)
A gentle reader, M., recently pointed me in the direction of Christian Brighty on TikTok. Brighty is a comedian who takes satiric riffs on period romantic dramas, namely Jane Austen, Bridgerton, and Regency. I spent over an hour going through Brighty’s back videos for good hearty chuckles. If you need a pick me up, add him to your favorites! (Fuck off, Rupert!)
Links to Read That Are Not (Terribly) Depressing
Get vaccinated! Vote in the primaries! Boop a dog’s nose!
lisa x