In the Year of our Lord of COVID Issue #20 What’s in a Name Part I
Weight: 314.6
Days in lock down: 416
Mood: contemplative
The history behind wanting to change my name:
In 2014, I made the massive and colossal mistake of naming an alleged sexual harasser on Twitter. This person was/is (we’ve blocked each other, and I don’t give af enough to track them down) very prominent in the library field. If you think librarians are cardigans, glasses, and shushing, you have no idea how debauched that crowd can be at conferences. I’m no prude but even I was shocked at some of the alleged behaviours.
This person, and others, have long been hot topics on the whisper network. I posted my comment because the whisper network was deafening, and no one wanted to come forward with allegations because of fear for their privacy and professional lives. But even though I have been sexually harassed at library conferences, just not by him, I decided to name this person publicly so that there could be some accountability since he allegedly seemed to be the number one alleged abuser.
My downfall? I did not use the word “alleged” in my statement.
If I had used the word “alleged” in my tweet, none of the following would have happened.
(I use the word alleged all over the place now.)
A friend picked up on my tweet and the surrounding hype of the conversation and wrote an article on their blog about the accountability in large groups or professions of the whisper network having validity but is often ignored and the alleged are never brought to the surface.
Our alleged sexual harasser’s response?
He sued the both of us for $1.25M.
My life then became decimated.
(This is was in 2014 and pre-#metoo and people have asked me what the response would have been if #metoo was in full force during that time and tbh, I have no fucking idea)
Response to the allegations and the resulting lawsuit was nothing I could have ever imagined. I was privy to nearly 30 women coming forward that they too had been allegedly sexually harassed by this person (and others). I have been told, as others have confirmed, to stay away from the alleged at conferences. Some women came forward that he allegedly attempted to initiate relationships with them but it would be on the sly and would try to convince them that their partners would never know or need to know.
Out of the 30 women, one gave testimony. The rest were afraid of fear of losing their livelihood, their reputations, and their sanity by coming forward.
I could not blame them.
You can only imagine the response not only from the library world but others who got their noses in the mess. I was nearly doxxed, my job prospects dried up, I was told that I was too fat and too ugly to be fucked by anyone and I was told, repeatedly to kill myself. I was lying. I was over exaggerating. I misunderstood.
It was awful.
There were the people who said this was all a lie; I was doing this for klout (????); we “didn’t know his side of the story;” “I know him, and he would never do this;” “I know what sexual harassment is and this isn’t it,” and my favorite, “it was the women’s fault” for whatever reason. And “if it truly happened, the women would have gone to the police.” People wrote opinion pieces and articles, because everyone who is not involved has an opinion about the case and not only 90% of those pieces got the event wrong but our personal data was wrong on what we did for a living and other public information. Someone went to Popehat about the case and they attempted to drag us over the coals and called me a grifter. You know what a grifter is? Someone who does it for the money. Explain to me how I did all of this for the “money?”
There was a deposition.
I was so keyed up that I took 4x my anxiety meds, klonopin, (how I functioned that day is a mystery) and told the court clerk I was not going to swear to god and put my hand on the bible and corrected his lawyer on the difference between a metaphor and simile. (This apparently cracked up my lawyer).
Our lawyer predicted, rightly so, that they would want to settle. The settlement consisted of us writing apology tweets and posting a statement to our blogs. The other option we had was to wait before it went to court which could take years. My co-defendant's mental health, along with mine, was fragile to begin with. Waiting for years for this to go to court would have literally killed us.
No funds were given to the plaintiff. Only costs were our many thousands of dollars lawyer fees.
(I need to add while I live in the States, my co-defendant lives in Canada. They sued us in Canadian court because the libel laws are opposite to American libel laws. The onus would be on us to prove what we said was true, however, in the States, the plaintiff would have to bear the reason why we were wrong and prove that what we said did ruin his life. However, Canada and the US have an agreement that if sued in one country, you cannot be sued in the other for the same thing. I could have, theoretically, left my co-defendant hang for all of this but this was my problem and I had to take the consequences.)
(I had a Canadian librarian try to tell me that what was going on was wrong. I told them to fuck off after I told them that HRM, random internet stranger with no law degree vs competent lawyers from a great firm. WHICH ONE WOULD I BELIEVE?)
The apologies were posted (there was no time frame for how long they needed to be up) and the plaintiff not only took our apologies but together his own statement that he posed on every possible social network from the usual suspects to Scribd, Pinterest, and Flickr.
Here, too, I played whack-a-mole taking sending take down notices since the alleged was using my picture without consent. I was 75% successful.
It was rough.
---
May marks the seven-year anniversary when all of this started. I came across a post I did a few years back the other day about changing my name because of the lawsuit which prompted me to begin this tale. Many old timers will remember this when it played out. Part ii will happen next week.
I expect there will be some unsubbing after this posting, which is fine, or maybe even backlash to me personally. But I hope with #metoo now in common place, that won’t happen.
We will see.
P.S. Got the second #HousePfizer shot last week, and I feel fine! No microchips, Bill Gates at my door step with “a million dollars,” or connecting via 5G networks.
Wonderful Thing
Topo Chico mineral water. Screw Le Croix! Get the good stuff.
Interesting Things (or things to buy)
I’ve added computer parts and electronics (Chromebook, Google Mini, and so on) to my Pops collection on eBay.
A friend reached out that they were into buying the TomboyX bras I mentioned a couple of issues back and wondered if I had a referrer code. Turns out I do! ($20 off your first order!)
Links to Read That are Not (Terribly) Depressing
Pinky Gloves are just the latest ludicrous attempt to monetise the vagina
They Hacked McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines—and Started a Cold War
Overdue VHS Tape From 1999 Leads to Warrant for Embezzlement
As always, don't be an ass; get vaccinated!
lisa x
You've just finished reading A Most Unreliable Narrator: the slice of life newsletter
from a Gen-Xer about town, Lisa Rabey. You can find me on Twitter, Instagram,
or Facebook if you're so inclined. If you dig this, pass me on to a friend!
Comments? Questions? Want to say "Hi!"? Just hit reply and send me a note!
Image depicting the black death in a book by French chronicler
and poet, Gilles Li Muisis (1272 - 1352). Artist unknown.