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A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #133 A non-resolution resolution year
Also, my first solid meal in weeks.
Welcome to A Most Unreliable Narrator, the slice of life newsletter of GenXer around town, Lisa Rabey. I talk about anything and everything with a bit of swears. I’m glad you’re here.
(Sorry chums, but this week’s missive is longer than usual. Forgive me?!)
Today is the day I can eat solid food. I’ve been hyping this in my head for the last week to the boredom of J (and probably to my imaginary friends on Facebook).
Meals are to consist of soft foods like eggs, cheese, tuna, etc etc. Anything that you can smush with a fork. I decided to make scrambled egg sammich with cheese and bacon bits thrown in.
To push the limit, I used an English Muffin for my sammich because untoasted it is soft.
I woke up this morning and skipped the shower and went right to breakfast.
People have written extensively in my fat girl surgery forums about their first solid meals, typically some kind of egg and how it was the best thing they have ever tasted.
I was pumped.
Now something we need to keep in mind about my recovery is that I’m an apparent freak. I didn’t have nausea, I could drink water and other liquids just fine from the beginning, I could swallow my pills whole without having them crushed, my tastebuds haven’t changed, and I could stand Jell-O. All of these are typical issues of recovery for majority of the patients.
I cook my solitary egg with the cheese (forgot the bacon bits) to a scramble form. (Note: I like my scrambled eggs on the firm side, J does not. He is convinced I am doing it wrong. I told him if I like it this way it is not wrong. He keeps insisting I am wrong.)
I eyed my meal suspiciously on my fancy Fiesta lunch plate.
I take a bite.
I was completely…underwhelmed. It was just an egg sammich! My tastebuds did not sing out in glee, angles with golden harps did not appear by my side, Zeus did not throw down lightning bolts.
What the ever-loving fuck?! I have been lied to!
The one thing that did happen was I took three bites which was one bite too many. I felt uncomfortably full, and I had a hard time getting my Gatorade Glacier Freeze down, so I was sipping it for the next few hours.
Lunch was the rest of the sammich which was also one bite too much.
I cannot win.
Since Best Kate had the surgery six months ago, she’s been my guide through this whole process so she’s the first person I reach out to when I have questions. (95% of the people in my fat girl surgery forums as insane.)
We talked about how my brain looked at that sandwich and thought, “I can eat this whole with no problem” and I was wrong, obviously. The big learning lesson of this process is rewiring the brain to my new normal. I simply cannot eat like I used to, and I need to get over that because food exists on my plate does not mean I have to eat it all. It does mean that I need to make smarter choices about what I am eating and not order a starter, main, and dessert.
J asked last night if I would mind if he went out solo and honestly, I did not. I like eating solo myself on occasion and there is no reason to keep him bound to my diet. (He had lemon pepper wings, a few beers, and a brisket sandwich. The wings were amazing, the beers were delicious, but the brisket sandwich not so much.)
So, this afternoon when we were taking Thursday out for her walk and talking about his restaurant adventures in the last few weeks, we talked about what I could eat. You must understand that J and I used to eat out anywhere from two to four times a week even if it was just a run to Jimmy John’s for a sub. We cannot do this anymore because again, I cannot eat like I used to.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t have cravings for food and the big craving lately has been a McDonald’s cheeseburger with a small fry. Yes, junk food, but their regular burgers are on the small side, and they don’t give that much on the fries. Basically, I want a kid’s meal.
J vetoed that action right there because I haven’t had any kind of what we would call heavy foods in weeks. Nothing fried or cooked in oil or super savory. Who the hell knows how I would react to that? We don’t but we filed it away as something to explore when I can get back to regular foods in a few months.
I cannot wait.
(Aside: In July I am throwing a reception of sorts in Grand Rapids for our re-marriage in May. I’ve invited my closest friends, of whom 80% live in the area, so this was a no brainer. We are going to one of our favorite restaurants in the GR area, Le Kabob which is a Mediterranean restaurant that makes their own pitas. I love this place so much that when we are at the cabin, I have people bring us food from there. Any who, I’m already planning on what I’m going to eat. One must plan when one must.)
(Aside #2: As all of my drinks are zero calories, between the egg, cheese, and English Muffin, I’ve had about 200 calories for the day. Tonight I am having Campbell’s Chunky soup. Look at me living large!)
Over the years I’ve written about resolutions extensively at my previous journal’s with writing about January 1st start-overs and even having projects called Making Happy in which I once wrote 5 entries on what to do in 2016 with 10 items each entry for a total of 50 resolutions for the year and Kalends, the Roman festival of new beginnings (mostly) .
Friends, I am tired of trying to change over a new leaf because let’s be honest, finishing these damn resolutions almost never happens, and they are out of control and unrealistic.
Most of my “resolutions” have already happened for 2022: I’m losing weight, I have a good job, I make good money, I have friends that love me and vice versa, and I’m at the most mentally stable I’ve been in years. In short, I want for nothing. Sure, I could do a few things like meditate more and get some exercise (I’m currently on hold for that until I get the clearance from my surgeon.), but other than that, I don’t need to change a damn thing.
Recently, I came across a new to me Substack, James McMahon’s Spoook*, who wrote similarly on how I feel about such things and he says,
“As long as I’m doing everything with heart and decency, to the very best of my abilities, I’m going to leave the cards to fall however.”
I fell in love with that idea. Resolutions set us up to be A+ performers and I don’t know about you, but I’m not an A+ performer. That is a set-up for failure.
I’m mostly a B performer, sometimes B+. And you know what? I’m okay with this.
So, I guess I have resolutions for 2023 and here they are:
Go to Nashville. I’ve lived in Louisville for 7.5 years and have travel three hours south to Nashville. Why? Who knows! Would I like it? Maybe!
You owe nothing to anybody. You’re not obligated to remain friends, or acquaintance, with people who do not enrich you, bring you joy, or feel you’re too much. And you’re allowed to end those relationships without having to explain yourself to anyone.
Remove yourself from toxic internet spaces. It’s not just Twitter, which you’ve mostly left, but also Reddit, general blogs, and Discords. Reddit is the big culprit. Just stay away from decisive subreddits and subreddits that make you angry. Looking at you r/bipolar and r/wls. Discords are also high on the list. Remove yourself from Discords that no longer give you joy (and the ones that do give you joy, start paying attention to them!).
Your word of the year is Present In the docu-series Harry & Meghan, Meghan talks about a dinner party she attends one year close to New Year and the hostess asked the table to pick one word to describe their upcoming year. Meghan recounts she picked “peace” but with the barrage or insults, death threats, and bullying online, peace was not happening. The following year she chose “truth” because without truth, there is no peace.
I really liked this idea and there were many words that have been cycling in my brain to pick but I landed on “present” because that is one thing I def do not do and I should. There is so much I can miss if I am not present and it’s also good for my mental and emotional wellbeing.
Go to a topless beach/pool and let it all hang out J and I are crashing some friends of ours Cancun vacation in April and at the resort is a topless pool. I asked Beth if she would join me and she says her tits have never seen the sun. You know what? Neither has mine and I want to change that. (When I told Best Kate, she said “Why am I not going with you??” so in our great plans for girl’s weekend, we’re looking for a resort to go topless at. You only live once!)
You have a problem with food. This is going to be a difficult one to work on but I am so ready, and have been!, doing the work. The surgery means a whole new lifestyle and I walked into this with eyes wide open. I am finally ready to tackle this demon.
Don’t be afraid. Be your own truth. Be honest with yourself. Be as authentic as possible even if it hurts. Do not be afraid to speak up. Try not to worry about what people think of you, even if it upsets you. Remind yourself that only your opinion of how you live your life counts.
Do something new as often as you can. Going topless on the beach and learning how to snorkel are on the list. Be more adventurous!
I’m sure I could go on for ages, but this is the gist of it.
What are your “resolutions” this year?
*James writes on music from a Britpop yet also world genres and he also has OCD so he’s a crazy music writer. My favorite kind!
Things I Recently Wrote
What I’m Reading
FINISH A FUCKING BOOK LISA BEFORE STARTING A NEW ONE.
Glenarvon Byron’s ex-lover was so distraught about their breakup; she wrote a roman à clef about their relationship
Amor Actually Anthology of interconnected romance stories from top Latinx authors
The Christmas Cupid Can Zoey match six couples before Christmas Eve?
If Walls Could Talk Lucy Worsley walks you through the history of the home
A Night to Surrender (Spindle Cove #1) Susanna and Victor are set for an epic battle
Cold Hearted Rake (The Ravenels #1) A clash of wills between Devon and Kathleen
Agatha Christie: An Elusive Woman Biography of Christie by one of my favorite historians
A Tip for the Hangman Espionage, Tudor era, and Kit Marlowe!
Check out the media I’ve consumed for 2023!
Spare by Prince Harry.
(Do not ask me why this book has nearly 500 reviews on GoodReads when ARCs were not available to anyone. However, just quickly read reviews and many are giving five stars to combat the “BS propaganda” one-star reviews. THE DRAMA!)
This is going to be its own entry next week because I have opinions! about all of this. Be forewarned that next week is going to be Harry heavy.