Issue #25 Harvest Moon
re: Job Hunt
Since we last spoke, I was in talks with the PI firm and a bookstore for possible interviews and those interviews have come and gone. The PI firm tasked me with researching a real person and the amount of freely available information on someone, anyone, online is staggering. I went so far as to find the wedding date and location of one of the subject's kids.
Open Source Intelligence (OSINT) is the fancy name for being a digital private eye. The career path is amazing and it aligns perfectly with my skillz. I appreciate you reading me is a gift not an absolute so I'll leave you with this info about OSINT:
The World's Best Bounty Hunter Is 4'11". Here's How She Hunts
City Data (You can find who bought what, where, how much, and etc)
BeenVerified (It has a fee but if I went into OSINT profesh, I'd get a monthly membership)
#
Some of you know I'm on a path of spiritual discovery and not only have I been attending the local Unitarian Universalist church but I've been keeping a discovery blog under an assumed name to also track my thoughts. Friday, September 22 was the feast of Mabon or as we know it, the beginning of the autumn equinox. This is when Persephone goes back to the underworld to rule for six months, where the world folds up on itself, readying itself for hibernation, and where I saw myself beginning anew.
I decided on that day I was going to take charge of my life and do what I've always wanted to do instead of waiting for those things to happen to me. I began with cracking open a fresh Moleskine and I have been writing in it on a near-daily basis.
The last few weeks have given me much to think about such as my food issues, my life issues, and all the other issues that have been plaguing me for years. For example, I know if I continue on with my current eating habits, I could see myself teetering at 400lbs by my 55th birthday if not sooner. If I don't pick up on the exercise and do something meaningful, I could see myself in a wheelchair within the next twenty years.
Really fucking scary stuff.
But then I find myself, as I did Sunday at the theatre watching the new Blade Runner, in a situation, such as eating buttery and salty popcorn, I could find myself in heart attack territory. My bloodwork says differently, of course, there is no hint of heart or health problems other than aches and pains which have more to do with my weight than with age. I used to row when we lived at Throbbing Cabin and discovered, happily, my apartment complex's gym in Connecticut had a rower. At Throbbing Manor, I used to go 20 - 30 minutes, whilst watching PBS, and think nothing of it but sweat and muscle aches. However, in Connecticut, I couldn't do five minutes because the weight I had gained since then was causing a huge strain on my knees. I was so upset. This was 12-18 months ago and you would think that would tell me, hey—change something. You're not happy here.
But nothing changed.
So there I am with a handful of buttery and salty popcorn and I'm thinking about that instance and other things where my weight or something in my life slowed me down or forbade me to do it. Again, the heart attack thoughts appeared. So what happens? I come home from the movie and eat my leftover McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit for dinner and for breakfast this morning I ate two, not particularly tasty, cherry turnovers that TEH had grabbed from the bargain bakery bin yesterday. I fool myself by thinking, "Oh, I drank 64ozs of water today, so I'm fine" but I'm not fine. I haven't been fine, physically, for a few years. What's it going to take?
What is it going to take for me to change my habits?
Now that we're home from the cabin, I've been gathering up my books and journals to sort through, start projects, or just make sure all of my shit is in the same place. I "collect" journals, ahahaha!, because I always "forget" I have journals when I need one. Around our 1100 sqft condo, I have at least 1/2 dozen journals started from writing journals to daily entries. I even kept a purse-sized journal in my purse and one on the bedside table just in case I got brilliant thoughts at 3AM. (I've had brilliant thoughts at 3AM and the last thing I want to do is roll over, turn on the light, and scribble. People who say they do this are lying liars.) I decide, since I'm starting on this fresh path, to condense these journals to make it more manageable. My notes for my 1920s murder mystery are put into one, my writing notes are put in another. But what depressed me was finding one-off journal entries from five, six months ago I made for myself in the purse-sized journals that echoed what I've been saying for the last few weeks. I even ask myself, "What is it going to have to take to have me change my habits?" I read and then ripped out those pages and tucked them into the pocket of the fresh Moleskine and then proceeded to get myself a large glass of apple cider.#
I thought about ending the piece at that last sentence because of the dramatic ending but I have more to say and please bear with me now that you're 1000 words in and I'm finally getting to the point.
I was thinking as I walked the dog this afternoon that maybe it's not about habit but about self-esteem. I hit rock bottom when whatshisname dumped me, which I maintain is the best gift he ever gave me, in October 2015 and it took that for me to accept everything about myself was in tatters. My self-worth, esteem, care, everything was smashed into neutrons and protons. For the last two years, I've been fighting my way out of that whole and progress has been slow. Very slow. Too slow for me some days but it's progress.
So I'm picking up dog shit and I think, you know, maybe this is hard for me because I have low self-esteem and I'm not recognizing that. My BPD has been in a semi-remission, and I'm grateful, but perhaps it's hindering me, to some extent, on my moving forward. Could this be the key that I've been looking for all these months?
I look for reliable sources on self-esteem: what it is, what it needs, how to manage it, and all of the sources point to the same thing: mindfulness and variants are at the heart of building good self-esteem. I laughed. I don't know why I'm so resistant, I MEDITATE EVERY GODDAMNED DAY, but I complain it's not enough. Maybe, like most things, I'm not putting in the work, I am, like most things, skating around it and doing minimum as possible. Could something so simple be the answer I need? (Plus bonus on helping manage my anxiety!
I dug around and found one of my D/CBT workbooks, dusted it off, and I decided I will give this a true go. In addition to my meditation, I'll work on this every day. I, too, want to live a rich and meaningful life!
I cannot continue living like this any longer.
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