Issue #30 A Year In A Life

A recent trend on social media is to name one (or two or three) things you're proud of for the year as a way to offset the hot garbage that is 2017. I've seen examples on everything from getting engaged to stability on drugs. I've tried ever so hard to come up with at least one thing I'm proud or accomplished this year and there are two things: One, I turned 45. Getting older retains its shock value not because I'm going grey and the body is creaking but because in my 20s I never thought I'd live this long. Second, I did not kill anyone which sounds flippant as fuck but I've worked retail during the holiday season so I think my point is justified. # For 2018, I wanted to shy away from making detailed resolutions. Eat better, get healthy, that lot? Sure, who doesn't? Making those kinds of resolutions are things I should be doing regardless of the time of year yet I also want to have a goal to work towards so I came up with a singular broad resolution: To be myself. Kate asked me what I meant—fair enough, a lot of mommy and lifestyle bloggers use "passion" and "authentic" randomly to sound legit—so I told her, "For me, it’s the art of not giving a fuck; stopping comparing my life to others; doing what I want for me." You're probably thinking, "Shouldn't you be doing this ANYWAY?" Well sure, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder and a big part of having BPD is our inability to form a sense of self. This is not whether or not you like the new Kesha song or your opinion on The Last Jedi wavers, this is a true, "I have no idea who I am so here, let me try out other people's interests and see if they fit me." You might also be thinking, "But Lisa, you have strong opinions on things, so how can you have BPD?" Well, having BPD and strong opinions are not mutually exclusive. Let me spin it another way, I give a lot of fucks about what people think of me so cultivating interests that would make me "cooler" is what I do.

I vacillate a lot on what I want to be. Some days it's the aging, tattooed alternative siren and others, it's the zen filled buddha girl. Sometimes I want to dress like a French girl where I wear classic styles and deep red lipstick and where other times I want to wear a leopard print shirt and velvet short shorts. While there is nothing wrong with trying out personas to find one that fits, most people do this in their twenties. At the age of 45, I should have a good sense of self. It doesn't have to be solid, most people's sense of self are a bit flexible, but I shouldn't be this hot mess you see before you at this age.

There is a line of thinking following this, the question being, "Who cares?" And the thing is, I care. I care a lot about what people think of me. I grew up attending a small Catholic school and while I had a few friends, I was still fairly isolated. I was a lonely kid and getting people's approval was and remains tantamount to my well being.  

(One of my aunts ran into my grade school best friend and said friend wants me to give her a call. I've had this information for months now and haven't done anything with it because the truth is, I don't really know what to say. As we got older, we drifted apart and eventually, she found someone cooler to be friends with and they used to make fun of me. Really petty shit but it was enough that decades later I am suspicious on her motives even though they are probably benign as hell but I cannot stop feeling like this is a bad idea all around. I've successfully ditched 90% of my grade school and high school friends with zero interest of getting back in touch. Being bullied is not something I want to revist, thankyouverymuch.)

I want to stop giving so many fucks to a set of ideologies that are stunting me from moving forward. I have to make some hard choices on obtaining that goal. The first thing I did was remove myself, whether it is from reading / subscribing / following, things /people that I thought people (I have no idea what people so just people in general) thought I "should" be into rather than really being into them because of who I projected myself to be. I waffled on a few authors in that I unfollowed those things / people socially but I am on severalinfrequent mailing lists and a few people I throw a few dollars (literally in the literal sense of the word) a month into their Patreons and for now, I am okay with continuing on doing those things because it doesn't feel single white female. I even pre-ordered a few authors books that are coming out this year and I am genuinely interested in reading them. But stalking them day to day and absorbing all of their thoughts and feelings? No siree bob.  Pointless. The unsubscribing from product mailing lists has been fabulous as well. I'm not reading the emails, why let them clog up my inbox?

I'm trying to be mindful of the kind of life I want to curate that makes me happy and that is going to take a lot of work to get rid of over 30 years of bullshit and find out who or what lies beneath. I'm nervous, scared, and excited but overall, I am hopeful.  #  Issue 30's Spotify playlist is available here,     You've just finished reading A Most Unreliable Narrator, 
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