Issue #31 Sneak vs Snuck

For months now, I loathe to say years because that is far too depressing, I've been on the peripheral of getting a job. Always a bride's maid, never a bride. Last year I applied for nearly 60 positions with half being in the library world. I didn't apply for gigs April - August as I was working retail jobs while we were up at the cabin and schlepping to and fro an airport that supports a town of 25K people is not an airport to take seriously. (Tho the airport's address is Fly Not Dr. Puns!) I started applying for big girl positions again when we got back to Louisville last fall but the academic market slows down as colleges go on winter break and I was more into working at a local bookstore than write a heart-wrenching letter of interest to some generic job title at a small college/university in a small city in a state I've deemed applicable to live in. (If you're wondering: Washington, Oregon, California, Illinois, Michigan, Kentucky (ugh), large cities in Tennessee, and a smattering of large cities on the eastern seaboard. And only medium-large cities in those states. Can you see me living in a rural area? Texas and Flordia are out because Texas and Flordia and most of the Midwest states (Iowa, Nebraska, etc) are also out because of weather and whatever odd thing I've randomly decided to make my life in those areas hell. Probably lack of Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, something all of us should aspire to base our housing and lives on).
 
Jesus, I'm off track. 

Now that winter break is over, higher ed is getting back into the swing of things, I'm up to 21 jobs applied for and it's only mid-February. I had a couple of interviews which didn't pan out and I found one of the local library systems still had the position I applied and interviewed for five months ago is still open so I followed up with a, "Hey! I'm still here!" email and true to form, nothing.

As time moves I am wondering if my lack of getting a job has less to do with the case and more to do with my aging skillset. Libraries, mainly academic ones, want people who are into cataloging and data preservation / manipulation / archiving / scholarship or whatever buzzword being used. I've been out of library school for eight years and I should be mid-career, not struggling to find something but here we are. My new plan of attack is to take continuing ed classes via some programs widely respected in my field to get those skills up to date. Some of the classes are reasonable in price and others are full on courses from MLIS programs so the cost is out there. I am tired of having to ask TEH for more money for something that isn't happening (yet) and he must be tired of me asking for money to support an education for a career that is proving to be non-existent.

(To be sure, the local bookstore did not retain me after the holiday season but they encourage me to apply for the following seasons. I was a model employee (on time, friendly, well liked by the staff) but I didn't gel with the management and I'm not sure, honestly, why that is. I do know one of the assistant managers told me he would often Facebook stalk employees which creeped me out. Anyway, yes, I can't even hold a job making $9.50/hr.)

What is clear is I need to finally accept the opportunity to get a position in this field may truly and finally be dead. I've been clinging to hope since the end of the case that someone, anyone, would judge me on my merits and not on the case and now I am praying for the general "they" to judge on my past achievements and future possibilities. But again, here we are.

I've narrowed down a couple of alternate careers. Indiana University Southeast has a graduate track program in digital media. A lot of non-library positions are looking for people with experience in a lot of the areas covered and the opportunity for networking and job hunting locally would be fantastic. These are also skillsets that can be worked remotely such as content writing and journalism. 

The second track is to get certified as a project manager which can be had through the University of Louisville. Project management is also a much in-demand skill and can also include remote work. 

Financially, IUSE allows for reciprocal agreement between Kentucky/Indiana so I would get in-state tuition and tuition is cheap. I can do the whole two-year program for around $8K which we talked about possibly paying out of pocket. The project management program is more on the expensive side. For all the classes covered, in about a semesters-ish worth of time, we are looking at about $3K. 

What other kinds of money-making schemes do I have on the books? I just started a Fiverr on content writing. I can get back to pitching stories to various online pubs to build a clip file which right now just consists of reviews from No Flying, No Tights. There is an editor gig that I applied for last year and never followed up on that I could finally fish out. I feel as if there is a lot of stuff I can be doing remotely but not it's for the lack of following up on my own part to see if any of these pans out.

I should probably fix that.

It a relief my decision to stop looking for library jobs is now finalized. I've always rationally known it to be true but making the concrete decision is a huge weight off of my shoulders.

----------------
A month or so back, based on the decisions of several friends who are doing the same, I made the leap of talking to my doctor about bariatric surgery. It's been something I've been mulling over for years but not explored too much as TEH has remained steadfast that the weight loss I want can be done with the help of diet and exercise. I can rationally see this argument to be true AND the guilt of feeling like a failure probably a failure and a cheater if I went under the knife would be tantamount. Several friends who've had the surgery so far have been successful in keeping the weight off. One started working out with a trainer after their surgery and is now running 5Ks. Another had surgery in late 2016 / early 2017 and from all accounts, they've been successful as well in changing their lifestyle and habits.

My referral for the surgery showed up the other day and I've been nervous as hell since it arrived. Having that piece of paper in my hand has made the option from "maybe" to "possibly" and I'm working through the complex feelings. TEH remains adamant he doesn't want me to go through with the surgery even though with my BMI I qualify for the procedure. He's afraid of complications, which there are many, and my lack of discipline in maintaining a diet now would make it even more difficult once the surgery was done. I could not, as I do now, slack off on what goes in my mouth. A close friend who has already started the process is on a strict 1500 calorie a day diet to see if they can handle the discipline and they have lost about 10lbs so far in the last 2-3 weeks. I decided to follow their lead and re-activated My Fitness Pal account and started tracking my food. MFP gave me 1900 calories a day diet and I was sticking to it pretty well while mindful of what I was eating and slowly I was losing a quarter to half a pound a day. It's fascinating from a data point of view to watch the scale tip in the other direction.

Once I found out TEH was going to be in Atlanta for a week on business, I blew the fuck out of that discipline. The Sunday before he left, Superbowl Sunday, we stopped at Whole Foods to pick up foodstuffs for me to eat for the week. Nearly 90% of cart was sweets and treats from vegan cupcakes to vegan cheez-its. We bought bananas and tangerines for the healthy snacks which I barely touched.  Except for two trips to my favorite breakfast place that week, I ate at home but rather make nutrious meals from existing foods in the house, I ate bowls of white cheddar popcorn. A lot of white cheddar popcorn. I tried to console myself by weighing it out and eating it by portions but it was never a bowl for lunch or dinner, it was a bowl for lunch, snack, dinner, and nightly snack. 

I'm trying to accept my eating is out of control and stop deluding myself I am not like every other over-eater on the planet because it's clear I'm not special. The weight that started to lose from the week of good behaviour came rushing back. it also didn't help my period showed up and I've been bloated as hell this last week.

So the plan, there is always a plan, is to follow TEH's plan of changing our lifestyle which is no sugar, no white grains (rice, bread, pasta), lots of lean white meat, vegetables, and fruits. Which is what I should be eating in the first place. No sneaking in chocolate with the thought of, "it's under my calorie limit," no grazing, no justifying out to dinner meals because we're walking to the restaurant. No fooling myself because my bloodwork, blood pressure, and other medical tests come back perfect I am healthy at this size. My body is carrying 300lbs of fat and muscle and it IS taking its toll.

We also got a YMCA membership in November when they were running a no join fee special. That went to the sideline when I got the blister from hell and that disabled me for nearly a month as well as TEH got the flu. Now that we're both relatively back in shape, we're going to start walking to the gym and really exercise. When I told TEH I was going to do yoga classes he said that was no excuse from shunning cardio. I need cardio and by god, I need to stop thinking I don't need the hard work to make it happen.

So, the plan, as you would expect the plan, is to follow TEH's rules for living for a year and see what happens. If I cannot drop at least 50lbs by being (mostly) judicious by the end of December, then we start thinking about the surgery. The friend who is in the process says it wouldn't hurt to contact the surgeons and start my own process since getting into the office and then add on the prescribed weight loss could take months. There is no reason I can't say no at any time if I am successful in losing the weight on the path we start now and forgo the surgery.

I always talk about being hopeful whenever I start this path but this time I feel nervous and scared. The friend on the process and I talked about what happens when you lose the weight: how do you view yourself? How do people view you? Will there be any changes in how you interact with friends and family and vice versa? I told her I would be envious of what she has accomplished, surgery or not, but I would be mindful she's done the hard work,

Tomorrow it starts. This weekend I've been starting to keep track of what I'm eating again and I'm also going to weigh myself every day as well as take body measurements weekly. I'm looking at this from a data collection standpoint and hope that line of thinking will be enough.







  You've just finished reading A Most Unreliable Narrator, 
the spill-your-guts newsletter by Lisa Rabey.
If you dig this, pass me on to a friend!
Comments? Questions? Want to say "Hi!"?
Just hit reply and send me a note!