Issue #39 Best Buds Oreos and Milk

 Hey, my diamond filled imps!

My "oh, I'm going to post every other week" took as a pause as TEH and I went to DC last week to binge on museums and gardens. When I say "binge" I mean over the course of seven full days, we saw 15 museums and two gardens. We are no joke when it comes to museums.

Typically I collect t-shirts as the largresse due unto me but TEH said there was no fucking way, I'm paraphrasing, I was getting 15 t-shirts so I settled for magnets and two t-shirts of which one came from the Library of Congress, obviously, and the other from the Air and Space museum (it glows in the dark). I also bought astronaut ice cream because secretly I am a 12-year-old boy.

The trip, overall, was pretty good! If the pedometer on my phone is to be believed, we walked about 3-5 miles a day and I calculated we walked between 25-30 miles that week. I bought insoles for the single pair of Chucks I brought with me and away we went. I will say, however, despite the fun we had if I don't see another museum or botanical garden for at least a year, I'm good. 

We saw: National Archives, International Spy Museum (bunk), National Gallery of Art and Sculpture gardens, National Gallery of Art, Folger Shakespeare Library, Library of Congress, US Botanic Gardens, National Geographic Museum (bunk), National Portrait Gallery, American Art Museum, National Museum of the American Indian, National Air and Space Museum, Hirshhorn Museum, National Museum of African Art, Arthur M. Sackler Gallery, Freer Gallery of Art, Smithsonian Castle, and National Museum of Natural History. With the exception of the Spy and Nat Geo museums, the rest are in the Smithsonian family and are free. The Spy and Nat Geo museums, the ones you pay for entry, are bunk and not worth it if you can help it. We did not see any of the monuments or the new National Museum for African American History and Culture. We did see the capitol building, White House, and the Washington Monument since those were visible as we mostly walked around the Mall.

Hard to say what was my favorite thing but I was thrilled there was an exhibit of Henry Darger at the National Gallery of Art and we saw the portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama at the National Portrait Gallery. The National Museum of the American Indian is sobering. And oh, I flipped off 45.

My greatest achievement this week was we were able to pack a week's worth of clothes and toiletries in our Tom Bihn bags. Ever since our luggage was lost on our honeymoon, and then returned to us three days into our trip, I've been obsessed with finding a bag as a carry on and being able to pack enough clothes to last a few weeks plus all accouterments. (I'm also obsessed with packing checklists.) I've got it down to a science and I packed enough clothes for eight days before starting to mix them so a few weeks could be a cinch, toiletries, a pair of Chucks, and a light jacket in my bag with room to spare. The secret? Roll everything, stuff things in your shoes, plan to reuse some items, and buy solid shampoos, soaps, and lotions.

I should point out this is the first vaca we've taken since our honeymoon in 2010. It was a long time coming.

(We boarded Thursday with our local vet, whom we love, while we were gone. She got a kong filled with peanut butter and group playtime every day as well as dog ice cream half-way through the week. We're pretty sure she would stay there forever if she could.)

-----

Today is about renewal. Again. I've strayed heavily from my lifestyle change since late March. After a solid month of eating well and not going out to eat, we treated ourselves with a nice meal at Le Moo. This turned in to our downfall because we started kidding ourselves that if we walked everywhere for our meals, and we live in a location that is spoiled for choice, what harm could it be if we eat reasonably at restaurants? Coupled with friends coming to town, special events, and mini-trips, I done fucked up and I did not eat reasonably. We considered the DC trip as the last hurrah. I reset my apps and spreadsheets this morning and here we are. Monday is always a good day to start your lifestyle change.

(I thankfully did not gain weight during our DC trip but we were walking everywhere so I consoled myself when I daily ate a chocolate torte after my meals that I was fine.)

I've written how discouraging it's been since I started back this road in February because of so many pitfalls of my losing weight such periods, stress, and certain foods causing water retention. I know how very easily my body gains weight and holds on to it; every ounce feels like a victory. But I also know if I keep to the change and use the calorie in calorie out (CICO) method, I do lose weight. I even postylized that popular diets such as keto, low sugar, and glute free are just variants of CICO. You hear a lot of self-help gurus, when discussing weight, how badly you must feel to accomplish it or else it's not going to happen. That's bullshit. I've wanted to badly lose weight since my early 20s but I've always been thwarted by the desire to protect myself from all the things with the comfort of food. I've said many times in the past that if you have ever had an addiction to something, getting off that something has zero to do with motivation and everything to do with how you associate that thing in your life. Lately, I've been thinking about fat cells clustering around my organs, squeezing them tight, and the prevention of health risks such as strokes if I was thinner and I swear to god health risks scares the fuck out of me. I already have an obsession with death and I kinda don't want to hurry it along.

So, there you have it. The renewal to start over and over again until I get it right. Die trying and all that. There is a pithy quote I keep seeing that says something along the lines of, "fall down seven, get up on eight." Like, what the fuck, man? You get up 1 - 7 because in order to fall down, you have to get up. Yes, I know that's not the point but jesus, at least have logic to your woo. (Which, now thinking about it, seems the antithesis to woo as a whole; is that asking too much? Chemtrails!)

Pookie Bear Industries remains in full effect. With the exception of the newsletter, I front-loaded all the sites with content with the plan to pick up the normal schedule starting today. I am ashamed to admit I did not read my gratitudes or pithy quotes when I was on vacation and just mass deleted them all when I could. This obviously defeats the purpose of why I set those sites up. Renewal! ----- This week starts a group therapy program lead by my talking therapist. The program is a combination of talk therapy/meditation/mindfulness/yoga. I am beyond desperate to get the anxiety under control naturally and not beholden to Klonopin (again, another worry is I'll OD though it took me a year to go through 30 pills so the likelihood is zero). Something has to give and I'm hoping not death. (TEH calls me a magical creature because if there is a side-effect associated with a drug, I get it. If a food is supposed to cause something to happen, say fiber allowing you to have daily poops, it doesn't happen with me. I'm hoping the lifestyle change will fix the food issue, but I'm straying from my story.)

As I mentioned last time, the talking therapist and I went through my goals and this group therapy aligns with how I want to approach my practice. I will not be seeing her on an individual basis during this time so I will probably be upping my ante with my private journal and here. 

Something eventually will work. 

Renewal!  ----- Jobs sitch: LOL. 

I promised myself I would keep applying for library jobs until the end of the year but I'm closing down the library job hunt starting today because I've hit 50 applications and no job and I'm done with the librarian world. I've unsubscribed to all my library job alerts across various job sites and I'm only keeping alerts for remote positions, mainly content writing. Content writing is writing anonymous blog posts, white papers, tweets, press releases, that kind of thing. It's something I've been toying with for awhile but the work can be arduous with low pay at times and with so many content writers on the market, the competition is fierce. Plus there is the whole overextending myself with my zillion and one projects. Now that I've taken library gigs out of the mix, the goal for the next six months is to get into content writing and online consulting with Nerd Girl Consulting, both of which can be done at home, and start project management course come January.

Project management is hot tamales and coming out of the gate I could make $60K plus a year as an associate and long before I get my PMP which could net me close if not over six figures. (Haha! PIMP!) The digital media course was also on the menu but ugh, I cannot spend more money for another two or so years of school for a third master's that may or may not land me a job upon graduation. Getting into project management will keep me competitive in the local market and with my tech background, which will be helped by getting to know Linux again as well as the occasional studying for my CCENT, will make me a more prized applicant. TEH and I have gone from, "make enough to live on your own" to "can you at least make $500 month to pay your bills?" The bar is so low, you guys. So that's the path and we have a goal and overall, even with the PMP program not starting for another six or so month, I'm feeling pretty good about my future.

While all of this is happening, TEH is again back on the train of me changing my name and I just don't know what to think about it other than it's a lot of damned paperwork. There is always balancing my "real" name (Lisa Rabey) with my "professional" name (??) which could be doable. 

But it's not just names I'm thinking about but also reputation. I have been thinking lately of the one person who came publicly came forward in the #teamharpy case and she was praised for being brave while nina and I were slaughtered publicly and privately. Someone posted a few articles on the case to the librarian subreddit on Reddit with commentary. One person replied they knew all three of us (the one who came forward, nina, and myself) and the one who came forward was "lovely and brave" while nina and I were wretched train wrecks. It's a struggle to own the case and be "authentic" yet finding myself jobless, cashless, and other lesses. I try not to think about if TEH didn't exist in my life but that game is dangerous because there are too many implications of "what ifs" that could cause real damage. 

Even at my shakiest self-esteem, I like me but I also living financial independence and having a sense of self-worth and contribution to society. I want my life to mean something and have value which can be done in other areas, like volunteering, but it's not enough. Through couple's counseling, TEH and I have talked extensively on the equality in our relationship. He carries the financial burden of not only himself but me as well and while my contribution to the household is domestic and does count for something, I still feel like I'm the lesser partner here. Plus that I have to ask for money for everything which I do within reason but it feels humiliating to even have to ask to spend money on an event like a movie or new underroos no matter how much TEH protests that I shouldn't feel that way. I am a kept woman and it drives me insane.
 
A week or so before our vacation, I stepped away from making any big decisions or contemplating about my future because it would only get interrupted while I enjoyed art and chocolate tortes so here I am, a few days after our holiday, and reality has set in. 

Gandhi said, "You must be the change you want to see in the world.” and I've always thought I was doing just that but clearly the route I'm taking isn't working. It's time to fork the path and try again.

Renewal! 
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