Issue #42 Paroxysm
My life is ruled with the iron fist of anxiety that even Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, the strongest man in Iceland, cannot break its chains.
I’m on the birth control pill for the first time in years because my new ob/gyn seems to be of the mind being on low doses of hormones will help with my asshole uterus and other assorted reproductive organs from being assholes. Three weeks in and my anxiety has increased double fold to where I’m taking three doses of hydroxyzine a day; I’ve had two heart palpitation panic attacks in the last six weeks; my restlessness and racing thoughts have gone tits up.
But it’s not just the pills that are escalating this hot mess of fuckedness. The anxiety is utter sovereignty against my body and started escalating long before the pill was brought into the mix. I’m not sure how much more I can take. Being mindful seems to not work and I lament knowing full well that to become mindful and not live in a world of chained anxiety idolatry takes time. Time I feel I do not have for reasons that are unclear even to me.
If I’m not anxious about X, then I’m anxious about Y. If it’s not Y, then it’s something else and none of it is rational. Yes, obviously mental illnesses are not rational but my daily stressors are known things: no job, excess weight, no money, listlessness. I thought, perhaps foolishly?, the daily reading and starting coherent breathing techniques would give me some peace but I find that if I even detect so much of an attack of any kind, I hit the Klonopin and wait to go to blissful sleep and to stall the presumed oncoming attack for another day.
Eventually, I cannot keep the attack at bay and it shows up in a pretty bow and a present in its hand very happy to see me.
Friday night TEH and I were walking home from dinner when the latest panic attack hit. One minute I am fine and seconds later my heart is bird trying to break out of a cage. Whenever we go somewhere, I always carry my pill box of anti-cheese pills (Benadryl and antacid) and over a dozen doses of Klonopin just in case. This event was a just in case. I dry swallow the pill and keep walking, not breathing a word to TEH what was going on. It’s a warm these days and I get a little heated when I walk as one does in 95F weather but I was going into full body sweat by the time we hit the condo. My back and chest were clammy and my hands felt like I dragged them through gelatin. I sat down and did 16 minutes of coherent breathing and the attack did not abate. I laid down on the couch and watched Miss FIsher’s Murder Mysteries to distract my brain but the attack did not stop. After 1.25 hours, I doubled down on Klonopin and topped it with two hydroxyzine. My heart stopped racing about 15 minutes later.
But oh! My brain was not done with me yet. I was able to fall asleep a few hours later, which is unusual since one Klonopin puts me out rather quickly and this time I was up to two Klonopin and two hydroxyzine and I was still amped. I awoke several hours later with another panic attack. I dropped another Klonopin, and I’m sure two more hydroxyzine and was asleep about 20 minutes later.
The upping of drug doses has been steadily increasing since around April before I went on the pill, so I’m thinking the pill is not the sole cause and just magnifies the existing problem. There were nights where I took Klonopin along with my daily dose of hydroxyzine just in case. I was feeling particularly astute this last week that an attack was coming and I was living every moment in preparation and drugging myself and the attack came as I predicted and of course when I was least expecting it by which I mean I feel as if an attack is immediate but when it shows up is always a surprise. I’ve had attacks happen when I’ve been happy and enjoying myself so who the fuck knows rhyme or reason to these fucking things.
And yet. Yet.
I keep staring at the sign over my laptop that says:
Future -> Anxiety
Past -> Depression
Present Moment -> Peace
Paralyzed or Participating
I feel as if I read this sign all day long because it’s hard to miss so I must be practicing what it preaches due to its constant reminders and yet. Yet. The attacks and the anxiety do not seem to subside. I’m desperate for something to alleviate my pain but I’m running backward on finding something that works as far as management goes and by works I mean this very instant. The coherent breathing book promises, with science! their techniques work and people claim to have immediate results. The book goes on to further promote the results become lasting the longer and more frequent you apply and practice the method. DBT methods make claims that by following their methods, much of it in distraction tricks and breathing exercises.
I have only done the coherent breathing practice for a few days but I am distraught why it did not work. I pulled out all the other tricks that are supposed to help stop the speeding thump, thump, thump in my chest and those did not work. TEH reminds me over and over again it takes time for these tricks to work but I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of time. Maybe one day my heart will give up and say fuck it and there will be a last thump, thump, thump. I want quick fixes but I know, I know, quick fixes don’t exist. Unless your drugs of course and I will continue to hold its hand just in case.
And yet. Yet.
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I woke up Sunday morning full of unknown rage which predicated on me staying offline for the rest of the day. I found my teeth and claws sharpening at every comment that came out of my mouth so it is perhaps best I stay away unintentionally before I eviscerate someone needlessly.
The rage rippled and when I felt that I was coming down, something would set me off and the pain of wanting to rip everything apart intensified and I had trouble breathing. I wanted to kick the dog and beat on TEH. But I stayed put in my seat, asking TEH not to touch me (which he is very good on backing off when he knows I am in such a state) and the dog must have picked up on my wrath since she too remained distant. Eventually, the down cycle became longer and longer so by the time dinner arrived, I was fairly sedated. I showered and TEH took me out for pizza and for the rest of the evening I was pretty chill, the rage and amping up of my feelings long gone.
And yet. Yet.
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