A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #152 messy people

all truths are the truth

Dear Internet,

I am slightly annoyed with myself that we’re 152 issues in and just now I get a logo.

I’m also annoyed “unreliable” has been misspelled on the newsletter’s landing page for months and no one pointed out it out me. Y’all are terrible.

 Mr Lisa was telling me the other day that people were talking shit about me during the case and that since I proclaimed I was an “unreliable narrator.” how could I be trusted? Now, I don’t remember those words thrown at me, but I also wasn’t on social media that much during the ordeal. Too many death, dox, and rape threats. I stayed off for my own mental health.

I thought I would be upset when Mr Lisa was telling me this, but I wasn’t. Not really. I’ve been on this “people are messy” kick for lately so it made sense to me why people would say that.

Our whole lives are nothing but Rashomon events.

(If you’re not familiar with the movie, a bride is raped and the story is told from various perspectives. The catch is all the perspectives are true. It’s from 1950 and a really good movie.)

We are messy individuals.

(I touched upon this topic a bit in #150 but I wanted to delve a bit more sine in that issue I swerved off into relationships, but messy people bears repeating, I think.)

I see the “messy people” concept everywhere now. TV and books the primary sources. We wonder if we can believe the narrator. What is their goal or need to tell their story? What do we, the reader or viewer, expect to get out of their story? We often make snap decisions as we read and sometimes, we find out we are wrong or we’re told a half-truth.

Here is a good example of Rashomon: Mr Lisa and I were travelling to MI a few years back and saw the cab of a semi off the road and on its side. The lights were on, and it looked like the driver was still in it. Now, I’m doing what, 70? 80 MPH? so what I see is in split seconds. I make the decision to call 911 and I give the dispatcher the mile marker and continue my merry way. Now Mr Lisa disagrees with the call because he says he saw the driver with a cell phone in his hand. Now I think, how is that possible? How can you see a cell phone at 70 MPH? He keeps insisting what he sees is true and I insist what I see is true.

Both truths are the truth and what we want it to perceive as the truth.

Borderline Personality Disorder has a trait where people with it see things black and white. This or that. One thing or another. That certainly has happened to me in the past so I cannot deny it but with somethings, I see the grey. I see that the line is blurred, and the truth is not always readily apparent.

I don’t know why people read me, generally, but one thing I can guess is that you assume what I’m saying is the truth of my life and how I approach it. This is a true statement. But if you’ve been reading me for a long time (and I have subscribers who go back over a decade), some of what I believe has changed. I used the comparison of Ad Rock and his misogynistic ways when he was younger and his staunch feminism now. He’s changed. I change.

I feel like I’m giving excuses for something but there is nothing I’m hiding. Right now, I feel that writing this issue, I’m defending something. But there is nothing to defend. I’ve laid out the hows and whys of why I write in #150 so I don’t feel the need to regurgitate that information but the whole concept of “messy people” is fascinating to me and as I said earlier, it’s a very cultural thing in our society.

So, messy people. I’m taking advantage of this thought process to grow and become authentic. (I hate that fucking word but it works in this context.) I want to understand the world and live my truth. (Also, another word salad I hate but also works in this context.) Now that I fully grasp, and understand, my world is changing, I want to seize the moment, as it were.

The concept of messy people is certainly not new, and of course I’ve known about this for years, but it finally clicks in my head the more I observe my friends and the world around me in as many contexts as I can, the messier we are. I think, overall, I’m a good person and tell my story as truthful as possible, but I want to be a better person. I have no idea what that looks like, I just know that it is something I want to work on.

Belief systems are powerful. Look at religion. Believing in something, and thinking that’s your truth, gives people solace and hope. Of course, I want people to believe that I’m telling the truth. Who wants to be known as a liar? Or mistrustful? Or shady as fuck? I don’t think anyone honestly wants to be known as that (well, we can accept there are some people who are shady as fuck for whatever reason). It is important to me that if you read me that you believe what I’m saying is true. Why is this important? I want to be remembered as a someone who was honest about their life.

I don’t want to be forgotten.

I have no fucking idea where all of this came from. I’ve edited this as I’m writing and I’m sure at some point I contradicted myself. Messy people.

When you read this, we’ll be in Michigan settling in for the summer. I’ve sorted out plans, including our reception in July, with friends and family and I’m looking forward to seeing everyone. I’m also excited to see my brother and finally, nearly four hours since she was buried and we ordered her gravestone, of seeing mom’s gravestone. I want to lay down flower and pray that she’s in a good place.

One of the reasons, and probably a prime reason, I’m so hot to move back because I have a support system and a friend network. I do not have that here in Kentucky. I’ve tried by joining groups and events, but the friendships don’t stick. I don’t know why. I think I am a pretty awesome person and I have a lot to offer. My interests are wide and varied. I can see a possible friendship forming with the organizer of my writing group, but my attendance is so haphazard because life seems to always fall on the day they meet.

I am not lonely but save Mr Lisa, I’m alone a lot. Growing up I didn’t have a lot of friends. I was always the “other” in school when I was placed in the gifted program in grade school, and I had trouble making new friends when we moved across state when I was in eighth grade. Mr Lisa and I were talking about this incidentally the other day. We can be quite reserved in new situations but with people we know, we’re obnoxious. (My internet presence does not follow this rule obviously.)

 I have three to four video dates every week with various friends. I read. Walk. Mr Lisa and I attend events and outings. I play video games and I pick up hobbies. I do not lack. But meeting someone for dinner or drinks after work? Going to a wider range of events or even just sitting on someone’s porch drinking and shooting the shit doesn’t happen here. Don’t feel sorry for me; this is just what it is and has been for nearly a decade. For a lot of reasons, we may be moving further south. In that area I have one friend, but they have their own life (and we’re not super close so hang outs will be sporadic). At least in Kentucky the Michigan group can come and visit fairly easily or when we’re at the cabin I can see them, and they can see me. The further state, not so much. (I’ll know mid-late June the status of that, but I can say it’s the cause of a lot of stress for Mr Lisa and I.)

Messy people and life changes.

Other newsletter updates and publications

Woo! Someone bought a copy of commercial breaks on Kindle and I earned a whole $2.08! Gonna make it rain!

• chapbook: commercial breaks

Wonderful Thing

Send to Kindle

If you read eBooks from your library via Kindle or subscribe to Netgalley (or a similar service), you know that you can have eBooks sent to your Kindle. What I didn’t know, until the other day, is that you can also email eBooks to your Kindle! Lots of authors have free stories and novellas on their website that you can download. I hate reading on my laptop so I’ve never taken advantage of this, but it got my thinking if libraries and Netgalley can send to Kindle, why couldn’t I? I attached the ePub I had to an email, addressed it to my Kindle email address (which you can set up on Amazon’s website), and emailed it. I got an email from Amazon to confirm the eBook and once I did, the eBook was in my Kindle app! Next time I come across an author with free stories, I can totally read them on my Kindle. (Instructions to set up your Kindle email address: Amazon website > Accounts & Lists > Content & Devices > Preferences > Personal Document Settings.)

God bless technology and free eBooks.

Have a good week!

lisa x