📚A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #168: the art of intention

gonna roll up to 2024 like gangbusters and also reading is fundamental

Jan 01, 2024

(Edit: Yes, two in two days. Next year, I’ll plan more appropriately.)

Dear Internet,

Well Internet, I’m about to get cliched up in this mother effer with a “this is what I want for 2024” that everyone and their sixteen cousins are doing. But, instead of resolutions for 2024, I’m going with intentions!

Picture of trees with stars that says the art of intention, a motive, a plan, and a purpose — I made this in Canva! Admire my handiwork!

Like the graphic says, intention is about a purpose, a plan, or a motive. A resolution is about making a firm decision to do something. As it is written for me, resolutions never work but intentions (sometimes) do.

(Definition source: dictionary.com)

Kristin and I talk a lot the fallacy of having an “A+” life. Self-help books and social media “wellness gurus” push this idea that you can have a perfect life by doing X things. But as someone who has chased after a perfect life, and failed, this rattles my soul. Why push people beyond their limits with a lifestyle that obviously is staged? Why promote something that makes people feel like crap? Capitalism!

Instead, I’m shooting for a B to B+ life. (Some days are a C but that is okay!) What does this look like for me?

Examples: I want to move my body in a meaningful way like rowing or walking 3 to 4 times a week but if I only do it twice a week, that’s okay. I try to make sure I at least brush my teeth and shower every day but if I skip a day, the world won’t end. Also, I need to drink at least 64 oz of water a day but if I only get in 50 oz, that’s fine. (Though, to be fair, the 64 oz or more is a directive from my fat girl surgery and not just the wellness idea of hydrating your body but you should still drink a lot of water because health!)

Bottom line, I try to not beat up myself if my intentions of the day aren’t met.

I’ve been tracking my intentions for a few months now in my accountability journal. Every day, I ask “What am I looking forward to? What would I like to do? How do I progress the next day with mindfulness?” I also track my mindful minute and what that looks like.

To get a better understanding of mindfulness and intentions, I signed up for Berkeley’s free “The Science of Happiness” course. The course asks you to commit one day, three days, or five days a week. I committed to two. I want to do this at my speed and my speed is twice a week.

I also have intention to not overextend myself. That’s a big issue with me is I take on all the things. In my head, if I am up this many hours, and work that many hours, and sleep at least these hours then I have time when I’m up to do different things. But I never account for daily things like showering or doing dishes. I attempt to plan life down to the minute and fail miserably. I always, always, always feel like shit for not accomplishing the supposed goals for the day.

Something needs to change.

I changed that attitude about a month or so ago on this thought process, so I’m beginning to get the hang of it. Outside of work, and my daily stuff, I realised I can only handle about one thing a day. The weekend before Christmas, Mr Lisa and I had a few errands to run and I tried to pace them out over the weekend. On Friday, we got our nails done, hit two grocery stores, and had plans for a sit-down meal somewhere, and then home. After the nails and grocery store visits, we were both not in the mood to see people, so we got take-out instead. Saturday, I planned on Costco and seeing a movie (Poor Things) but I was tapped out after Costco. SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE! Instead, we mainlined S5 of Fargo. Three things we did on Sunday, other than daily intentions, was watch PBS with Kristin, order Chinese food, and FINALLY GOT MY CINNAMON ROLLS MADE AFTER FOUR TRIES. (First two times was dead yeast, third time I killed the yeast, and the fourth time I combed the recipe a dozen times and did everything just so. Process is intensive. Including rise times, it was nearly six hours of work. Cinnamon rolls are only going to be made once a year.)

an orange plate with a cinnamon roll on top — Another picture of my handiwork.

(They were a delight and even Mr Lisa enjoys them. They are far superior to my previous attempts including the vegan and gluten free version which failed (as one might expect) miserably. If you’re interested in making them, here is the recipe (gifted link). For the frosting, it asks for three cups of powdered sugar mixed with five tablespoons of whole milk. That is a lot of fucking frosting especially when you’re drizzling it on top of warm pan of rolls so the rolls are glazed. It is not intended to have thick frosting ala Cinnabon. I halved the frosting recipe (1.5 cups of powdered sugar with five tablespoons of whole milk) and it was still too much even with piling it on the portions so next time I’ll quarter it.)

For 2024, I’m making a list of things I would like to do for that year. For example, I would like to start submitting my prose and poetry again, at least a few times a month. If I do, fantastic but I’m not going have throw myself off a cliff if I don’t. Same with meaningful body movement, working on my book, having grace, and being more mindful.

I’ve started a list of my intentions for 2024 and I’m finding some feel like resolutions. I’m re-wording them to give myself some space which is also an intention.

My therapist has been after me for months to work on being mindful and giving myself grace. And I know that you know this is something that can be difficult to do. I, and I assume many of you, were raised in a society that prizes perfection above all else. We’re a tired society but we just don’t know when to quit. The “rat race,” if you will.

I’m almost 52 and I see at least another 30 years of living and I don’t want to be in a place where I cannot enjoy my life. Mother “gave up” in her mid-50s when she attempted suicide (twice) and finally gave no fucks for the next 20 years. In her later years, she was content watching Turner Classic Movies, eating her Jet’s Pizza, and going to her doctor appointments. She had no friends and was estranged from her family. I do not want to live like that and nor does my younger brother. (We discuss mother on the reg about how we do not want a life like hers. It’s a depressing conversation.)

Undoing years of trauma, regardless of what kind, is hard work. I’ve spent most of my adult life swimming above water like mad because addressing that trauma is, to me most of the time, more painful than not. I tend to be in a crisis about something current, until I got medicated, so addressing trauma was not an option since I was currently in the now. Not addressing my past, in all forms, is, I believe, the root cause of my anxiety and thought process for so many things. So, 2024 is going to be the year I will start to address what I can to heal and move forward. My therapist is PUMPED for this admission from me because it took months, nay years, for me to get to this point after much of his discussions.

(If you’re wondering why after all these years of therapy I have not been addressing this, it is because when you’re mentally ill, it’s about the current past, present, and potential future. Deep life story trauma is shoved to the side and I finally want to work on it.)

This change in mindset is something we can only address ourselves. We can be told over and over about addressing whatever, but we need to come to that conclusion on our own. My therapist talking about this to me was good in keeping it fresh in my mind, but I really needed to get there on my own before it “stuck.”

Usually, I’m terrified of the New Year because I set up these expectations and fail and feel like a terrible human being. I think I’m finally at a point where I can see the forest for the trees.

(And if you’ve been reading me for some time, I do a version of a post like this every year and I also say each year is different. It is different each year as my wants and needs change as I move through life. I am tenacious about having a good life and living a best life designed for me and honestly, I really like that tenacity about myself.)

A few issues back, I passed on a manifesto that large newsletters were publishing in protest to Substack’s business model aka supporting right wing and neo-Nazis by allowing them to publish and monetize on the platform. I don’t want to support a company that is willingly doing this (and Substack’s response to the accusations have been a hearty “fuck you.” (gifted link)) so I’ve been looking into other alternatives.

From my inexperienced analytical view, AMUN is found via shares and organically so I’m not dependent on this platform to gain readership.

Substack makes publishing easily enough with scheduling posts, organizing archives, using taxonomy, and a few other things I’m sure I’m forgetting. TinyLetter did none of those things which is why I left. (And thankfully, I was able to import into Substack my TinyLetter missives and subscribers.)

I have possibly found a new home for AMUN that offers a lot of what Substack does, but I need to investigate it more. For you, the reader, the only thing that will change is the From address so if you filter, be on the lookout for that. I currently do not have an ETA on when I’m doing the cut over, but I will give everyone a head’s up a week or so before I do.

A Most Unreliable Narrator

📚A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #168: the art of intention

gonna roll up to 2024 like gangbusters and also reading is fundamental

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