A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #95 Freestyle Body Love

I want to love my body; I really do.

Dear Internet,

Baptist, the local hospital system I submitted my application for bariatric surgery, called me last week to inform me I had been rejected. Their reason? My mental health. My GP called me later to talk about it and she said the reasoning was there is a finite list of health problems that the hospital won’t touch, and some mental illnesses are one of them as there is fear of a relapse due to the surgery even if you’re stable. (She also said this was new to her and now she’s better prepared for others.)

I’ve been stable for nearly seven years.

When the call from Baptist ended, I started old Italian lady wailing over my falafel and hummus. Internet, I was so beyond crushed. I had spent over a year Mortal Kombating in my brain about whether or not to get the surgery and when I finally said “YES! Let’s do this!” I was rejected on the first pass. I mean, I get their reasoning but it’s infuriating that the psychologist didn’t even interview me but rather it was more of that damned list they go by.

(Others are angry on my behalf and I wouldn’t be too surprised if someone hexes Baptist.)

I have other options. There are two more hospital systems in the city that handle bariatric surgery. U of Louisville but they do lapband only and Norton Healthcare does a spectrum of bariatric surgeries. Originally, I was hoping to get into Norton but I wasn’t impressed with their seminar (Baptist was *chef’s kiss* sublime) and they require a $300 non-refundable fee to do the paperwork. (Say what?!) My therapist went through Norton and had nothing but good to say about them.

My GP also said she would support me if I wanted to go somewhere else in the state. My therapist, who is also flummoxed by Baptist’s rejection, ventured about going to Mexico as one of their clients is doing this due to their insurance failing them. I’m not going to Mexico.

It’s just a crock of shit. As a fat person, I’m constantly reminded I’m worthless and not worthy of living so I make the drastic decision to have half of my innards rearranged to lose weight and then I’m denied that opportunity. Again, I get it, but I also don’t get it. Diets don’t work. I may not be able to have surgery. I do not want to carry around 315lbs for the rest of my life.

What the actual living fuck.

TEH and I talked about it when the sniffling subsided and he’s willing to do whatever it is I want to do. He’ll give me the $300 (I can afford this, but I was touched by this gesture), take me to appointments, whatever I need. (He may not like Jane Austen, but he is a keeper.)

About six months ago I decided for my upcoming birthday, my 50th jesus fucking christ, I want to run a 5K. I’ve never been super athletic. I’ve played basketball, softball, and tennis but I wasn’t super good at them. Being an ex-smoker and carrying around this weight has been problematic with doing something other than just walking. So, I want to change that.

But how do I make changes when nothing seemingly works?

Well. That’s a very good question and I’m about to tell you my hypocritical answer.

First, I put myself on a 2000 calorie a day diet. I’m eating six small meals and I’m tweaking as I go along. (Did you know that Honey Nut Cheerios has 1000mg of sodium in one bowl?! What the ever-living fuck, my dude!) What does my body need? Okay, I’m def not hitting my protein for the day and my sodium intake is too high. I could def eat more greens and fruit which I do like so that isn’t a big issue. I can maintain this except for dinner because then we go balls to the wall on that last meal. TEH doesn’t use a lot of processed foods when he cooks but he cooks like we’re a family of 12 so we always have leftovers. Which is fine because it means less dishes, but our serving sizes are not regular people sizes. You should see TEH put down a bowl of cereal. It’s insane!

Where was I? Okay so this is not a diet in so much it’s about giving my body the fuel that it needs not just what it wants. I want it to be strong and do more amazing things. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about some friends of mine who are doing their own transformations, they appreciate their body and what it can do. I want to be like that.

But currently, I hate my body no matter how much I try to pet myself and tell myself how amazing things my body can do, so there is that.

Second, I’m seeing a PT twice a week for my lower back and ankle so I can go on long walks without feeling like I’m being sliced in two and starting to learn how to run. TEH is afraid to get us membership to a gym because *points in every direction* so we’re taking advantage of living near a park and its amenities. Friday, after work, we walked down to the park and walked up and down a flight of steps without using the handrails so I could work on my balance. We went up and down twice and then walked around the area as our “cool down” and then did the process again. I was able to do two sets before my back started bitching at me and I was having problems going up the stairs. It all seems so simple, just going up and down the stairs but after doing this repeatedly, muscles start to burn and I’m starting to huff. I was so angry at myself that I had “let myself get this way” and that while going up and down stairs once was fine, doing it multiple times was not working so we stopped and went to dinner.

We ended up walking a total of two miles which was fine. Hills and inclines have always been my nemesis but flat surfaces have not. I was so angry with myself, Internet, it was bad but a voice inside of me kept telling me “This is your first day. This is fine. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” But you know how it is­­–it just takes one negative thought to ruin the day.

Things I Recently Wrote

What I’m Reading

• The 7/12 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle An Agatha Christie-esque locked room mystery

• Time’s Convert The prequel/sequel in the A Discovery of Witches universe

• Changeless Book #2 in the Parasol Protectorate series

• Reputation Mean girls with Jane Austen thrown in

• Finlay Donovan is Killing It When someone thinks you’re a killer for hire, but you aren’t really–or are you?

• Bridgerton Volume 1 You’ve watched the series on Netflix, time to get steamy between the pages

Wonderful Thing

ARCs!

Advanced reader copies (ARCs) are amazing. You get your hands on a book before release to blog or recommend. Book bloggers, booksellers, and librarians live by ARCs. I keep my membership with American Library Association current just so I can keep my veins soothed with that sweet, sweet ARC action from Netgalley.

Interesting Things (or things to buy)

Cambridge Satchel.

Handmade leather bags from England. I own two bags, one bought when I got my first check from my current MPOW, and I want another. I’m eyeing the 15” Batchel in Racing Green. It will, of course, have embossing of my initials. Right now, I’m waiting for one of their sales to come through, so I don’t have to pay full price. That’s one of the Rabey mottos: We only buy when it’s on sale.

Links to Read That Are Not (Terribly) Depressing

• Why We’re All Shooketh

• The Gilded Age preview: “Entry into a world that really hasn’t been covered on television before”

• Chuck Klosterman Brings Back the Nineties

• You can now create your own mix-tape on vinyl

• the new hire who showed up is not the same person we interviewed

Get vaccinated and mask up! There is a pandemic going on.

lisa x